Poison Response

My apologies to the people I’ve ignored this weekend.

I’ve spent most of it in a Benadryl-fueled haze of calamine lotion and poison ivy google searches.

Which. Probably don’t ever start googling things that have the word rash in them.

There are images you can’t unsee.

I just put Godiva chocolate liqueur in my coffee this morning. On top of the lingering Benadryl from last night’s dose.

So this post could end up going in any number of directions.

(Also had to Google how to spell liqueur. Because it’s classier than liquor. Which makes it a more reasonable choice for Sunday morning at 8am.)

But I ran out of regular non-liqueur standard unhealthy chocolate creamer.

And this is not the weekend for straight up harsh black coffee. I require comfort. So alcohol it is.

I don’t know about the rest of the world’s educators. Because I haven’t managed to pay attention to anything outside of my tiny world in over a week. But first week of school 2021 was…

I mean.

Well, I think it’s what one should have expected from first week of school 2021.

And because I sometimes think I’m better at things than I actually am. I tried to help out in the front office. Where all of the chaos converges. Onto the handful of people who work up there. Who can’t possibly be paid enough. There’s just no way they can ever be paid enough. For what I experienced last week.

I used the words “shit show” a lot last week. And “chaos.” And “lo siento.” And “como de dice.” And “I’m sorry, I’m mostly here for show, but let me see if I can find a person that knows things.”

I’m not sure there was ever a moment last week when I wasn’t sweaty.

The AC isn’t working in most parts of the school.

Which. Really wasn’t a big deal given the amount of time I spent outside. In the earth fire. Touring new students around our open campus. Apologizing for not being able to communicate with them. Because Spanish.

Head cross country coach was out last week. Which meant I wasn’t able to run with the team. In the earth fire. Because I had to transport the water. In my car. Where the air conditioning works only at high speeds. Or when going downhill. So I had a lot of oven time in my car.

Had a parent tell me she was going to complain to the superintendent. About stuff that none of us get paid enough to have any control over. And in a normal year I might have tried to talk her through it and calm her down. Because I actually find joy in mediating intense situations.

But all I had for her last week was “ok.”

I don’t know how my front office co-workers manage this year round. Three days of it and my introvert brain is threatening revolt if I speak to another human right now.

But what has made this just a really spectacular first week of school recovery weekend. Is the poison ivy. Just all over my body.


And really. Come on now. Y’all know I adventure through some highly questionable places on the regular.

North Fucking Mountain? Rogue and I waded through all kinds of shit up there just a few weeks ago.

My body has not reacted to any of the nature it has been exposed to in years.

But here I am. Staring down the start of my 47th year. Covered in poison.

And calamine lotion.

And very sincerely googling shit like “how to cut poison ivy out of your body.” And “how much long term damage can rubbing alcohol and a Brillo pad do?” And “Benadryl overdose.”

Because y’all.

I think the constant just non stop all fucking day chaos of last week helped distract me from the poison revolt my body was quietly staging.

But the moment I left cross country practice Friday night. Into the anticipated peace of the weekend. I became highly aware of what had developed.

And it just keeps getting angrier. Every time I wake up from my Benadryl coma.

And I no longer care if scratching it gives me the MRSA.

The two seconds of ecstasy the scratching provides is the only joy I have right now.

So, if you’re wondering how the new greenway outside the Billy Byrd is going to connect to the rest of the greenway. And are thinking about adventuring through the river and weeds to see…

Just don’t do that.

We’ll all find out together if they ever finish it.

And if you see me tomorrow. Rubbing parts of my body against wall corners and door edges. Mind ya business. You don’t want any part of this.

Now I’ve gotta go Google where I can purchase large quantity calamine. So I can bathe in it. And maybe also how to mainline a Benadryl drip.

4 thoughts on “Poison Response

  1. I feel for you. I’ve spent the last 3 entire summers with full-on poison ivy blow-outs on my entire body. Scratching until blood flows down my shins. And I spent yesterday at out of control Promiseland trails. So it’s not going to get better soon. I have no solutions. I do keep Dawn soap in the shower.

    • Dear God how have you managed to remain both sane and pleasant through it all? Because I’m certain I’m about to catch a felony when I adventure out for coffee creamer later. And Dawn soap.

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