No. No no no no no no no no no no.
I may have lost my shit a teeny tiny bit this morning.
And run down the hall yelling for the Coffee Lady.
After tearing through several cabinets. And closets. And drawers. And maybe some offices…
In a desperate search for coffee.
No no no. You don’t understand. I need this. For the peopleing. That y’all expect me to do.
There’s just no other way I’ll manage…
So, I’ve spent a lot of time this last week just trying to maintain in various groups that require way too much socialing for me right now.
This is not my socialing season.
But isn’t winter just a bullshit season anyway?
Like, why do we even have this season?
What is its purpose?
It’s basically just an asshole season.
It’s basically just a thief of joy. And good things.
What have you done with all of the fresh fruits and vegetables, winter? I mean, no. No I don’t often eat those. But I like the comfort of knowing they’re there.
How about some warmth? How about you don’t require that I pile on 15 layers of clothing that I’m gonna have to immediately strip off as soon as I walk into a building. Because 45. And then pile back on to walk outside again. Because human.
Where is the fucking sun???
What did you do with the fucking sun?
We need that to live, you know.
I just attended a two day training. Surrounded by mostly strangers.
Which I would generally welcome.
Two days to get to interact with an entirely new audience?
Do you know how many people I can make love me in that amount of time?
Like, all of them.
Which would mean I’d win.
And apparently I’m not actually competing against anyone. But still.
But this week? This month? This season?
It’s just so much pressure.
To be “on” in social groups.
I just really have to be motivated to do that.
During my hibernation season.
And I just refused. Absolutely refused to give any of myself to this training.
I know. Not a big deal, right?
Except yes. Yes a big deal.
If people have a valid reason to hate me, I can manage that.
No, really. I can.
I’m really ok with people not liking me. If they have a reason.
Duck Dynasty was very clear on the point that he does not like me. As a person. And I totally understood why. Meh. Cool. I don’t like him either.
There are folks in my town who have expressed their, we’ll call it an extreme dislike of me. For me? Of me. Yes. Of me. That sounds right.
And I know why.
I think their why is bullshit.
But still. I get it. And I accept it. And I go about my life not really worrying about it.
But for people to spend two days with me and not adore me. To maybe not even be aware that I was even in the room. That is a true struggle for me.
I don’t accept indifference. To me. People should either love me or hate me. Indifference is unacceptable.
Like, I want to request a do-over. But in the spring. Or summer. Or early fall. Or any month that is not January or pre-January.
But it’s fine.
Because I got to spend the afternoon with the children yesterday.
The really impressive children.
The really impressive Scholastic Bowl children. That know shit like what is the root of the quadrilateral taken to the tenth power after turning it into a rhombus and accounting for the denominator and…
No. I know those aren’t real words.
But question security.
I’m not allowed to talk about the real questions.
I mean, I totally could.
Talk about the real questions. With all the words that I can totally pronounce…
I’m just not allowed to.
Anyway, I got to spend the afternoon with those kids. Redeeming myself. And even enjoying myself.
They laugh at my jokes.
Because they’re super smart.
And as much as I question my career choices sometimes. Kids are the only group that I seem to be able to invest in regardless of the season.
Kids and a very few grown adult humans.
And thank god I get a two week break from socialing soon.
January is the time. My Crew knows. Last January is what led OT to threaten to “run North Mountain every damn day until you come at me correct.”
I know. It doesn’t sound like a valid threat. But it was. Effective. I can’t explain it.
And I mean, there were aggravating factors last January.
But I could’ve managed those factors much better and way more quickly during an appropriate season.
And not bullshit January.
I’ve just got to get through the next three days.
Without getting fired.
And then I can spend two solid weeks preparing for fucking January.
And there better be coffee every damn one of those days.