Wilderness Survival Challenge

Carlos says I wouldn’t be able to survive in the wilderness.

I’m not entirely sure how we got around to that point of the conversation.

But he said I’d never make it living in a tiny space out in the woods.

Which was offensive.

I mean, I don’t do well without a constant supply of food available to me.

But still.

As long as I can whine about it, I can wander through the mountains for minutes without food.

Dude. You don’t know what I can do.

I’m trained for that kind of shit.

I mean, I’m certainly not bred for civilized society.

As GBFF…WHTBS is quick to point out.


I had an entire conversation with a dude the other night. By shouting across a brewery at him. Like a heathen. And not a normal.

He opted not to come sit at the same table as me.

Where I was eating nachos…

When GBFF finally showed up. I was complaining about stomach pains.

He asked how quickly I’d eaten the nachos in front of me.

As though, my manner of eating. And not what I was eating. Was the issue.

I ate them like…well, not like a lady. But like a normal. Mostly…

And then he just took to photographing my pain.

Sometimes beer helps.

It didn’t.

So, maybe that explains why the dude chose to have the conversation from a distance.

And. Ok. I don’t know how to end an evening.

I’m not a lingerer.

I don’t hang around when a conversation starts to lag.

I just get up and leave.

I mean, I say I’m leaving. Like a normal.

But then I just leave.

Which is apparently not like a normal?

Apparently, you’re supposed to. I don’t know. Stand around? Waiting for the people you’re with to perform some sort of ceremonial goodbye ritual?

Am I supposed to become a hugger?

Is that how I become a normal?

By always hugging goodbye?

Because let me tell you. When I do hug? It’s always, always at the most inappropriate time possible.

Remember when I met my new boss that one time?

Just forced a hug on her.

When all she wanted was a handshake.

And also?

Ok. Y’all can’t let me leave places without making sure I pee first.

Because I live a good 45 minutes away from anywhere y’all gonna see me at.

And 45 minutes is a loooooong time for ya girl to hold her pee.

I mean, I will.

Because then it just becomes a test of wills.

And I’m nothing if not willful.

But still.

I like to dance on the drive home. And a bladder full of Paws and Pucks makes it hard to move my swayless hips right.

But I could stop and just pee on the side of the road. If I wanted to. I can poop and pee anywhere. I’m an ultra runner, Carlos.

I don’t need indoor plumbing to survive.

I can’t appropriately exit a social event like a normal. But I can drop my pants and take a pee in the woods without pausing the conversation with my friends.

I’m wayyyy more prepared for wilderness survival than normal human society survival.

Do you know the type of crap I shove into my body on the regular?

I mean, food. Obviously.

Sunshine will eat anything.

No, really.

She will.

That’s what one of my co-workers said. Before shoving a bag of leftover powered sugar donuts in my face.

Which was a little offensive…

I mean, obviously I ate them.

But also, she’s not wrong.

Expiration dates have no impact on my life.

Let’s see you survive on 2009 sell by dates, Carlos.

If my body can properly digest a can of 10 year old Vienna sausages, it can digest a possum.

Which is probably the only animal I’m likely to be able to catch.

Except also, I’m probably not gonna eat little Jo Jo.

But veganism seems like a solid life choice, anyway.

So as soon as I finish googling how to forage for tofu. And other meat substitutes. I’ll be good.

We’ll see who can survive living in the wilderness, Carlos.

I may not be able to function in the world like a normal.

But when was the last time you were invited to be on the show Naked and Afraid, Carlos?


They recognize.

The skills.

And also that I should probably be removed from normal society.

And maybe filmed.

For entertainment.