Hug Lists

Hug Lists

Those are a thing now.

Like, a not entirely creepy, just mostly normal thing. Now.

We are now living in a world where you can have a list called People To Hug. And you can even tell people they’re on it. And it’s totally normal.

I shared a Facebook memory yesterday. Of me walking around a room. And hugging 27 different people.

It was exhausting.

The hugging. Not the memory. The memory was excellent.

But I get the lists.

Because I miss hugging, too.

And I’ve shared enough awkward hugging stories that y’all know, hugging is not my strength.

Like, it’s not one of the activities I’d want to be judged on. I wouldn’t want anyone to base their friendship with me on whether or not I’m a good hugger.

I’m not.

I don’t read social hug cues well.

Seriously. I let go too early, implying that I never wanted a hug from yo creepy ass in the first place. Or I hold on too long, implying that I’ve been dreaming about this moment my entire life, and now that I have you I’m never letting go.

But mostly, I just don’t know what the appropriate timing is.

I’m sure there is some sort of guide out there. Right?

Some sort of hug guide that tells me how long to hold on during a hug based on the level of friendship and length of acquaintance?

I mean, not that I would be able to track time. Because numbers.

But maybe I could practice it?

But then my hugs will have a practiced air. Which will also be weird.

And what if there are different schools of thought on hug timing? And y’all follow the other school? And I’m over here studying, like, the Russian school of hugs. And I still hold on too long.


It’s too much.

Ima just continue to wing it.

And let me assure you. That for every person that tells me they’re putting me on their hug list. Another person tells me, in no uncertain terms, that they shall remain firmly on the NO HUGS list.

I mean, someone even asked for a full on exemption.

Nah. It’s cool.

I don’t need to awkward hug everyone.

I just need to awkward hug some people. Like, a certain amount of people. Or maybe just certain amount of time. To get back up to pre-apocalypse hug levels.

I have no idea what that amount is.

I probably won’t know it when I hit it.

Because I’m me.

Fuck. I could probably grab hold of the first person I see and hold on until it feels like pre-apocalypse again. Like, start hugging them and then two days later…

I can hear y’all, you know. I can hear you throwing one another at me so you don’t have to be that person. Making notes not to invite me to the first post-apocalypse pub run.


I’m gonna research the hell out of hugging. And I’m gonna be the best at hugging. And y’all just gonna miss out.

Just found a Psychology Today article titled “7 Basic Rules for Hugging: Keep these tips in mind to avoid awkward situations (or worse).”

“Or worse…?”

The fuck would be worse??

What in fuck y’all doing with hugs to make them worse than awkward???

Clearly I need to study the hell out of this article.

Rule number one: Try to gauge the other person’s signals.

Well fuck.

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