Pandemic Pounds

I just picked a piece of chocolate up off the floor. And put it back in the yogurt it fell out of.

So that feels healthy.

Also I’m not entirely sure that what I picked up off the floor was actually chocolate. And not dirt.

But what we should focus on here is that I’m eating yogurt. Mint chocolate chip yogurt. But still. Yogurt.

Fall Risk picked up my Blue Ridge race packet for me last week. And I finally tried on my race shirt.

After several minutes struggling to get it on. I realized that I probably should have stopped at the first sign of resistance. And that I’d now be forced to ask Fall Risk or Rogue to come cut me out of it.

Or just live in this shirt forever.

“Four pounds in one week. That’s…impressive. I’m gonna go ahead and test your thyroid.”

Well, ok. But if you knew what I ate on a daily basis, you probably wouldn’t bother.

In truth, I’ve gained a solid 10 pounds since this pandemic started.

And if you’ll recall, I was already a solid 10 pounds up back in January.

And as my new lady doctor was explaining all the fun ways my body was changing. And that those changes did not in any way point to cancer. The way my old lady doctor suggested they might. Which is a really awesome thought to carry around while I waited to meet my new lady doctor. I was basically hearing that I needed to get my chubby ass under control if I want to be able to keep carrying it up and down mountains.

So, how long before I turn fully evil?

“Oh, you’ve got some time before that happens. Right now, you’re just starting to see some slight hormonal changes and body shifts.”

Body shifts.

In that my body is shifting into uncontrolled fat retention?

Apparently 40’s is when your body starts to reject massive amounts of food and inconsistent activity. (While also craving them at the same time.)

I know. We’ve been here before. But I was just about to get this shit under control. I’d just run another ultra and everything. When this pandemic shit hit.

And I went out and bought all of the Doritos and donuts and beer and cookies and all of the unhealthiest form of carbohydrate you can find.

And then I social distanced my ass at home. Consuming all of it. And occasionally going out for a run or signing in to a strength workout. But mostly just sitting. And eating.

So much eating.

My carb addiction is at full power right now. It doesn’t help that I learned how to make my own pasta at the start of the pandemic.

Yep. Pasta. Chips. Garlic bread. Beer. That was dinner. Just all the carbs.

And they weigh you in kilograms now. The doctor’s offices. And tell you it’s kilograms. Like your dumbass American brain couldn’t figure out that you don’t actually weigh 70 pounds. And then convert it for you. Like your dumbass American brain couldn’t manage that on its own…

Because it can’t…

Yeah, I probably don’t want you to convert that for me, though…

She did anyway.

So, do I just succumb to the inevitable expanding of my ass? Or do I try to fight it?

I mean, I’m pretty clear that I shouldn’t ever date again. So it’s not like I need to try to look good.

But I do love running mountains. And I’d like that to not hurt so much.

I’m pretty sure I can actually feel my feet crumbling under the force of carrying me through a run right now.

Ok. That may actually be a separate issue.

But still.

So, I turned to my people. And whined until they offered me motivation.

GJB and OT offered support on the food front.

“You work so hard. It’s a diet issue.”

Well, yeah. I know. Help me fix it.

“You need to eat more fruits and vegetables.”

Show me your food pictures like you used to. Those always made me want to eat the vegetables.

I beg for healthy food pics the way some people crave porn.

So they threw a bunch of really delicious-looking vegetable meal pics at me.

And so I went to the store and did this.

K. Now what.

“Now roast a big platter of that and eat from it all day.”

And so I went to work. Cutting up sweet potatoes and red peppers and butternut squash.

Have you ever tried to cut up butternut squash?

“It’s worth it. You burn calories while you make calories.”


And fuck. OT wasn’t playin.

Y’all. Have you ever had butternut squash roasted in balsamic vinegar and olive oil?

This was lunch and dinner yesterday.

Just so much deliciousness.

Tonight ima try some black bean and corn salsa stuffed peppers.

Now. Who’s gonna make me be consistent with the physicals?

Rogue and Fall Risk. I need y’all to make me go to PlayFIT class. And run. And hike and shit.

Went to 5pm PlayFITStayFIT class on Monday and Tuesday. Because cross training. And I swear, every push up felt like I was trying to lift a Buick up off the ground.


Even the squats were a struggle. And my legs are my strength.

Question: since I’m already carrying an extra 20-25 pounds on my actual body, do I have to use weights for these? Because I feel like I’m already going pretty heavy here.

J-Vicious couldn’t hear the question. Because he mutes us during the workout. I’m not sure why. I’m delightful.

I probably didn’t just lay on the floor. Out of view of the camera. During the remaining pushups.

My trip to Apple Orchard Falls with Fall Risk Wednesday was ok. Because we weren’t allowed to run. Because angry ankle. So I thought it would be a nice form of rest for my body while still being active.

But I woke up Thursday morning barely able to move.

Seriously. What in fuck?

So, I Roanoke Yoga’d. To make my body mobile again.

And then headed to Chaos. For our standard Strength Intervals run.

Ten push ups every half mile. For five miles.

Do you know what it’s like to try to lift a Buick up off the ground 100 times? While running up and down a mountain?

My shoulders just about said, “aight, we out.” And nearly separated themselves from my body.

I couldn’t even use my arms for momentum in the last two miles.

They just kind of flopped along at my sides. While I continued to force my legs to move.

And my legs were all like, “If arms don’t have to move, I don’t know why we have to. Do you know how fucking heavy you are to carry around?”

And GJB wouldn’t let me just walk it. Or skip the remaining push ups.

“We’re gonna be so skinny at the end of this run. Let’s keep going.”

I wasn’t. Skinny at the end of the run.

And that’s ok. I don’t need to be skinny. I just need to have a little less poundage to carry through my runs. And push ups.

Plus I may actually still have a job next school year. And they may actually require me to go into the school to do it. And that may actually require me to wear real actual human clothes. With buttons and shit. So…

So I’ll spend tonight. My Friday night. Nobody’s date night. Because pandemic. But still. Friday night. At 5pm PlayFIT class. While my stuffed peppers are cooking.

And fighting off this headache that I think may be my body demanding its daily donut allotment. (I was up to three a day. The chocolate-covered Entenmanns kind. Just all kinds of healthy.)

I’ll go ahead and apologize for anything I may say or do during my withdrawal period.

Also, the nurse just called.

“Your thyroid test came back normal.”

Yeah, you didn’t need to make that call. But thanks.

2 responses to “Pandemic Pounds”

  1. Loving the roasted veggies pics… I unfortunately have to go without the meat… apparently meat makes me chubby, so I’m not allowed it (doesn’t help that I love processed meat…. A LOT.!) I haven’t added poundage, but I’m not losing it either 🙁 kinda stuck in a rut at the moment… I need sleep more than anything else, but not eating peanut butter with everything would probably help. 😀

    1. This is such a weird time. Thankfully, sleep is still an area at which I excel. Sending you positive sleep vibes and peanut butter dreams. Because no one should be deprived of peanut butter.

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