First Week Back

By the end of this week, we’re gonna be able to lift a car up off a person.

But also probably we won’t be able to open a car door.

So, what had happened was, I did a strength workout at home on Monday. Focused mostly on upper body. Because I’m weak as hell.

Then Fall Risk decided we should go to PlayFITStayFIT for Tuesday night’s class.

There was talk of heading to Lew’s for the Tuesday night pub run after.

And I got a pretty heated phone call from K-Rob-D when she saw my car driving away from Roanoke before the pub run.

But it was cold. And rainy. And I didn’t wanna. I’ve been in special need of introvert time this week. Which severely limits the number of people I can spend my time with.

And K-Rob is absolutely one of my people. But in my defense, I didn’t know she was going until she was mom voicing me over the phone.

And Rogue and OT are also absolutely my people. But really, I expected there to be many more not-my-people people there.

And while I generally enjoy meeting and interacting with new people. This is not the week for that.

And this is the point at which I’m going to stop explaining who I am as a person. Because I think most of y’all probably already know.

But Fall Risk is one of my people. And HIIT workouts require very little socializing.

In fact, J-Vicious frowns on me socializing in any form during class.

So, really. Everyone wins this week.

I met Fall Risk for Tuesday’s 5pm class.

Tuesday is full body.

And there were options.

You could choose to do increasing numbers of burpees, manmakers, or squat thrusts between sets of 50 of various other exercises.

Whatever choice you made. You were stuck with.

I feel like I was the only one smart enough to choose squat thrusts.

At one point, I heard B-Major mumble, “I’ve made a terrible mistake” as she was jumping back into her next set of manmakers. Which she calls womanmakers. Which are way more badass than manmakers. Because woman. Obviously.

I just call them those things I avoid at all costs.

I was feeling pretty good about my squat thrust choice.

With my 8 lb weights…

What. I couldn’t find any 10’s.

“How did I let you get away with 8’s?”

“Pick up those 15’s.”

But I’ve already got all of my Corona DNA all over these 8’s.

“I’ll clean them for you. Get the 15’s.”


Holy mother.

I wasn’t ready.

And because Fall Risk had already committed me to PFSF leg day the following day, we tried to focus on the upper body exercises for everything else.

Gotta save our legs for the punishment that is leg day. Right?

Except we spent several hours going back and forth on what time we wanted to go to class Wednesday.

Because when I woke up Wednesday morning, this was happening…

Dude. I don’t wanna go anywhere in that.

“But it’s not gonna stop. And if we get it over with now…”

We’re gonna get flooded in. I don’t wanna live at the gym.

“We’re less likely to get trapped now than later today. Plus, Domino’s is righ next door…”

Ugh. Fine.

And so we got there for Wednesday’s 9am class.

Dude. I don’t wanna get out of my car in that.

“But after we’re done, you can go back home to coffee and jammies.”

Dammit. Fine.

So, here’s the thing.

Neither of us generally ever go to 9am class.

So, neither of us remembered that 9am class is always full body.

Not Wednesday Leg Day.

Like we had planned for.

And this particular workout had lots of push ups and pull ups bear crawls and tire slams and…

Son of a-

My gut instinct, upon reading the workout, was to be antagonistic.

But then I remembered that the trainer explaining the workout was not J-Vicious.

It was another chick. That I’d never met before. And she seemed super sweet.

Like, the opposite of J-V.

So, I stayed quiet and did what I was told.

Oddly enough, I was able to manage far more push ups on my toes (rather than falling gracelessly to my knees, which I did, but just not right away) than I expected.

And I even got some pull ups in, under my own sheer power. And will.

Just a few.

Before I had to maneuver my foot into the green bouncy bandy thingy. To help my exhausted arms.

And let me tell you. That green bouncy bandy thingy is wayyyyy harder to get in and out of than doing an actual pull up.

It’s fine, though.

I probably didn’t injure myself.

But. Ok. Here’s the problem.

Fall Risk is making me go to PFSF 5pm class tonight.

Tonight is Arm Day.

Like. Tonight’s focus…is arms.

Upper Body.


And J-Vicious is most vicious on Arm Day.

And I have legit done three consecutive mostly-arm days in a row.

And I’m about to do a fourth…

That can’t be smart.


And I’m known for my smart decisions…


But also. This…

The fuck am I supposed to do with that forecast, Roanoke?

So, I feel rather compelled to go to class tonight.

And just give up opening and lifting and carrying shit for the next few days.

And honestly, I can’t even care.

Because when I got home from the gym yesterday, I sat in my car for a solid 15 minutes. Just staring at this. And trying to will myself out of the car. And into the house.

Really, at this point, I just wanna be able to hold my books and coffee.

I can’t even worry about anything else.

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