Ho-Ly-Fuck, y’all.
This is the year I become an alcoholic.
There’s just no way around it.
It is the only possible solution. For survival.
My people are the only reason I’m even kind of managing 2020 as it is.
But they’re falling apart, too. So…
Every morning at work now starts with Resistant Facebook Friend and me just looking at one another and saying “I don’t know” for 20-30 minutes. As we try to figure out what in fuck is actually going on with our systems. Until one of us reluctantly volunteers to make the phone call. To ask someone to fix it. Please without fucking it up. Again.
Seriously.
I mean, we use different tones and inflections. Different hand gestures to go with it.
But we actually do not know.
I don’t think we ever will…
So last night, I got to learn more about using my face. And hands. And eyebrows. To relay meaning. Along with my Discussions of Anger and Sadness chicks. While Creative Sass taught us the very questionable sign language we requested.
Fall Risk was early to class.
And that suck up sat her ass at a real for life desk.
Just fully prepared to fuck up the curve for the rest of us. As we kicked back on our couches. Like the underachievers we are.
Rogue, of course, was late.
So she missed the dress code violation that happened just as Creative Sass was starting class.
I may have shown them a teeny tiny part of my left breast. Or maybe all of it. I don’t know.
In my defense, I can’t sleep in a normal t-shirt. Those crewnecks get all twisted up around my neck. Ain’t nobody want to choke themselves to death. In their sleep. Even smack in the middle of 2020. Right?
But it’s possible I went a little too aggressive when I was cutting the neck out of last night’s sleep shirt.
So maybe they got to see a little more than they wanted.
I don’t know why they were acting all shocked and shit. I put on pants, at least.
Like, they could have seen so so much more.
Anyway. Once we were done addressing dress codes. And late passes. Class started off with our alphabet. I know the alphabet.
Psht. Easy A.
This is gonna be one of those cake classes.
And then Creative Sass had us start spelling words…
So, that’s…
That’s kind of hard…
Yeah, we’re gonna need to practice that more.
If you wanna watch Rogue’s brain work, ask her to spell Mr. Mischief. And Hercules Mulligan. In ASL.
Or in standard English.
I think she’ll struggle either way.
Then we learned the key phrases we’d requested. And phrases we can direct at one another as necessary.
Phrases like:
I’m fine.
It’s fine.
Everything’s fine.
This is bullshit.
Fuck you.
Fuck you, too.
Fuck all of you.
Fuck all of this.
Fuck 2020.
This hurts.
This hurts, too.
You know what. Everything hurts.
Where are my emergency snacks?
Stop Sunshine
No Sunshine
Just stop talking. Sunshine.
Apparently, I go in a little too hard on the sign for “hungry.” And it maybe means something different when you sign it frantically.
Like, maybe it means “horny” when you just really go at it?
So, I mean, it’s useful either way.
I also learned the sign for my name. Except also when I do it, I may actually be signing “shower.” Which. I mean. Also, probably pretty appropriate a good portion of the time.
I learned how to ask for water. And beer. Both of which will be hugely important should I become vocally incapacitated out on a mountain.
We also learned how to sign all of our important curse words. And how to say, “What’s up, bitches?” Which is exactly how I’m going to be greeting everyone from now on.
We learned how to use our facial expressions to change meaning of words.
And this is where we excelled.
We get facial expressions.
At one point. And I don’t remember why. What prompted it. But at one point, I may have said, “What’s the worst…”
And even though I caught myself. And stopped myself. From finishing that sentence.
The entire class turned on me.
Including the teacher.
“Dammit, Sunshine! We just lost Ruth!!!”
It’s fine. They were fine. Everything was fine.
That evening of learning and laughter was exactly the escape from 2020 I needed.
And I think what Rogue and I are most excited about. With our new skills. Is to be able to talk shit right at people. During Zoom meetings. Without them even knowing.
It’s just the exact passive aggressive tool we need right now.
Check out the ASL Out Loud Facebook Group to learn more about classes. And sign up.
And the beauty of this is that you can get your own group. Of your favorite classmates. And Creative Sass will give you your own class.
Just choose your classmates carefully.
Some of us are definitely violating dress code.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got detention for my dress code violation yesterday.
Leave a Reply