Chiro Doc Sub (assuming she was communicating with a reasonable human with solid self-preservation instincts): “So any pain? Have you tried running yet?”
Me (assuming she didn’t need to be bothered with complaints of pain): Nope. My hips are just a little sore. But I’ve been icing them. I was gonna ask if I could go ahead and run again. (Because I’m gonna…)
Chiro Doc Sub (again assuming she was communicating with a reasonable human that understands what the word “slow” means): As long as you’re only experiencing soreness and not actual pain. Sure. Just start slow.”
Me (asking an honest question): Cool. So I’ve got a 32 mile run this weekend. That’s ok, right?
Chiro Doc Sub: *stares* *for, like, an uncomfortably long time*
After some explaining. On my part. She finally said I should talk to Chiro Doc on Wednesday. And see how he feels about my progress.
She damn sure ain’t making that call. As she subs for him.
Because my hip keeps shifting right back out of place.
Even though I’m icing the hell out of it.
I even went in for a deep tissue massage on Saturday.
I mean, I scheduled a deep tissue massage.
What I actually got was some light pushing and mild stroking.
Which…I mean, sometimes that’s nice…
But that’s not…
*sigh* You just should not be able to advertise deep tissue massage as part of your skill set if you are unwilling to inflict massive amounts of pain on people. Because I had to ask massage chick three times to please go harder. To the point that I was starting to feel some kind of way about myself. So I finally just gave in to the gentle petting she was insistent on continuing.
That did nothing for the knots in my shoulders or my tight hammies.
Which, incidentally, Tommy believes is why my hip won’t do what it’s told.
Because I’ve built my leg muscles up so much. And let my core go all to hell. That there’s no going back.
I’m a lost cause.
I should just donate my body to science.
Apparently, there’s a cadaver farm nearby…
In fairness, this is not the first time he’s suggested this.
I think initially he wanted to figure out my freakishly low blood pressure. And central tremor. So much so that he was willing to live in a world where I no longer exist. Which is…unfathomable.
I’m a delight.
But now it’s just the entirety of my shit show of a body he figures the medical world needs to study.
Which…yeah, ok. He’s probably right.
But I’m not quite ready for the cadaver farm yet.
So I went all in on the STIM today. Cranked that bitch up as high as I could stand it.
Chiro Assistant sounded a little doubtful when she asked if I was sure about the setting.
Of course I’m sure. Psht. Bitch, I don’t feel pain.
But by about five minutes in.
You know how when your back muscles are super tight. And you go in for a deep tissue massage. Like, a real deep tissue massage. And not just gentle petting. And that shit just gets so ticklish you have to stop him before you donkey kick him?
So the STIM. That I had clearly gone too far in on. And my pride was working its ass off trying to maintain control.
But my back muscle was jumping all over the place.
And then the giggling started.
And I tried. I tried to hold it in.
But finally it overpowered my pride. And I had to ask Chiro Assistant to please turn it down. Turn it down now.
But also the giggling had already taken hold. So I spent the next five minutes. Lying face down. Laughing. Uncontrollably.
While I assume everyone else in the table Matrix just stared at me.
I couldn’t see them. Which is probably for the best.
I don’t respond well to looks of judgement.
So, anyway. Chiro Doc Sub didn’t not give me approval to run my ultra this weekend.
So I probably will.
But I’ll start slow. Like she said.