I started my day thinking someone had challenged me to a fight after school.
I mean, you only get called to Apple Market after school for two reasons. And I was pretty sure no one wanted to make out with me.
So a fight it was.
And I was down. Because it’s been a rough week.
SOL Testing is wrapping up. That’s always the worst four weeks of my year.
My co-workers also demonstrated how willing they are to just let me die. Alone. In my office. As I was choking to death. Loudly. On a goldfish cracker. For ten solid minutes.
They just kept chatting away two offices down.
I mean, when they finished their conversation, they did check on me. As they walked casually by.
No no, I’m good. Don’t stop chatting or anything.
Confections Queen did say that she had been worried about me. Just…not…worried enough to check on me right away.
It’s cool. I get it. No need to rush.
The next day…
Remember how new phone dude said I was the smartest person in the whole school? Because I figured out the phone all by myself?
Well, maybe I didn’t figure the phone system all the way out.
Because Confections Queen said she had a truancy call for me. And could I take it. And I said yes. And she tried to transfer it to me. And I waited. But my phone never rang. And she tried again. And still nothing. And finally, after struggling to get this call through to me, she remembers the actual idiot she’s dealing with. And asks, “Is your phone on Do Not Disturb?”
Oh! Yes! Yes it is!!
“You. Are. A jerk face.”
Just like that. The sweetest, most patient woman I have ever met in my entire lifetime. Called me a jerk face.
It was actually a pretty exciting moment for me.
Insults are my love language.
I mean, food is my love language.
And compliments. Compliments are definitely my love language.
But insults are a close third.
So when Tine Fey told me I had to meet her at the Apple Market after school today. I was ready for a fight.
Because I will knock someone out for my Tina Fey.
I was hoping it wasn’t actually Confections Queen. Because even though she thinks I’m a jerk face. I still adore her.
And I’m pretty sure the entire school would take me down if I laid a hand on her.
And she could probably take me anyway.
And I really am kind of a jerk face.
But what was waiting for me when I got there was Attendance Lady. And this.
Just enough to get me through the last week of school.
I mean, I still feel like I’d kinda like to fight somebody.
But this helps.
Also, choking to death is absolutely how I’m gonna go.
It’s actually a pretty routine issue for me.
I choke on absolutely nothing at least once a month.
Just…if they ever find my body with no discernible cause of death…it will be because I choked on air.
And nobody bothered to check on me…