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Routine Labwork

Do y’all remember that time the toilet paper rolled across the bathroom at work? And I had to shimmy across the bathroom to get it? And got pee all over the floor?

Yeah, I may have peed on the floor again.

First, I need to apologize to anyone who was driving in Roanoke this morning.

Beautiful Beastie told me about how you can use your HSA to get full metabolic screening or whatever. And so I did that. And I needed to go get the blood drawn for it. And I was fasting. And I didn’t want to have just regular black coffee for breakfast. I wanted to savor some really good creamered coffee. So I drove to this appointment uncaffeinated.

Drove is probably a strong word.

I somehow managed to use my car to get from my house to the lab place. Without actually causing an accident. That I’m aware of.

Got there fifteen minutes early. Because me.

Finally managed to get checked in fifteen minutes late. Because uncaffeinated.

Once I managed the feat of uncaffeinated check in, a very timid nurse took me right back.

Where she gently completed a 30 second countdown before sliding a needle into my left arm.

I don’t mind needles, but I didn’t have the heart to tell her that the slowest countdown in history was unnecessary.

Which was good. Because she probably actually needed it. Because about the time she got the little blood bottle thingy attached to the needle thingy, my tremor kicked in. Full force. Like, seizure level tremors.

And I thought Timid Nurse might pass out. From the panic. As she asked if I was ok.

Huh? Oh me? Yeah, I’m cool. You?

“Your arm…”

Oh. Yeah. It does that. Want me to hold it still with my other hand?

“No…just…don’t pass out on me. No one’s ever passed out on me before.”

That’s probably because you’re 12. But ok. I won’t.

Then Timid Nurse finished up the blood draw and told me to go in the bathroom and get one of the paper cups, pee in it, and then write my name on it.

And my brain processed those instructions. In that order.

She didn’t tell me where this bathroom was. I think she needed some time to recover.

So I wandered around the building until someone pointed to a room. So I went into that room.

Found the stack of paper cups.

Peed in the paper cup.

And here’s where it starts to go bad.

The paper cup didn’t have a lid. It was legit just a paper drinking cup.

And the table to sit it on was on the other side of the room.

And I didn’t want to sit it on the floor. Of a public bathroom. Because who knows what could crawl up into my unprotected pee.

But I also couldn’t wipe and pull my pants up with my left seizure arm. And certainly couldn’t be trusted to hold the unprotected pee cup with my left seizure arm. To give my right near-seizure arm the task of wiping and pulling.

There are these squat duck walk things J-Vicious makes us do. At PlayFITStayFIT. Like laps of them. So I was actually well trained for this moment.

I duck walked across the bathroom. Pants around my ankles. Dripping pee across the floor.

Put the unprotected pee cup on the table.

And duck walked back to the toilet to finish up that process. Which was mostly unnecessary at that point. Because I had drip dried on my duck walk around the room.

Mopped up my pee spots.

Washed my hands.

Then went back to the table. To write my name. On my unprotected pee cup. The…uncapped paper cup. Full of pee.

Do you know how hard it is to get the correct angle? On a cup that you can’t hold in your hand. On its side.

I had to…kind of lunge squat on the floor. In front of the table. Use my seizure hand to form a lid of sorts over the cup. And shift my right hand. Which was not entirely unseizured. Into a distorted shape. To form something akin to hieroglyphics. Meant to symbolize my name. Onto the paper cup.

Again mopped up the pee I obviously spilled during that little exercise.

Again washed my hands.

Did a few stretches.

And then wandered around the building until someone pointed at a door. And I was able to escape.

Obviously relayed this unfortunate series of events to Rogue and Fall Risk.

“Are you sure you were even at a lab? Maybe they just handed you a solo cup so you would leave.”

We all know that is not entirely out of the realm of possibility.

On the bright side. I’m now fully caffeinated. And I got a solid leg workout in.

And maybe whoever has my body fluids will eventually tell me about my cholesterols and such.

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Just reading and writing and running and looking for my happy place.

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