I’m Swole

There’s something so incredibly satisfying when you show up to the gym for arm day. And everyone gets down on the floor for the first exercise. Because push ups. And with the very first movement, your trainer makes a sound like someone is trying to pull his large intestine out through his mouth.

I mean, I did, too. But the knowledge that J-Vicious was struggling almost outweighed the feelings of my own struggles.

You made your gym, J-V. Now suffer in it.

I blame Tuesday’s Gorillas in the Gym workout. That is still with us today.

But at least there were no calf raises on the board. For arm day. (No no. Don’t put it past him. He earned his nickname.)

There was just a whole host of other bullshit. Designed to torture. Or maybe strengthen. Potato-Potahto.

All I know is there was a hella lotta whining happening at PlayFITStayFIT yesterday. And 90% of it wasn’t even coming from me.

I was actually quite compliant. Even asking for his input on weight selection.

What’s the lightest weight you’re going to let me get away with for these shoulder presses?

“Twenty five pounds.”

How heavy is this one?

“Twenty seven. That’s perfect.”


“You’re good. Let’s go.”

And I’d explained to J-V ahead of time that I had an appointment. And would need to leave class by 4:45. So I better not hear any bitching when I leave before the workout is over.

Sometimes you just have to get aggressive and let him know who’s really in charge. Just…maybe let him know on your way out the door. And be prepared for whatever awaits you the next day.

But all this time at the gym is really paying off.

Because when I got to my appointment. Which was a hot stone massage with Massage Magician. He told me I was swole.

Actually, what he said was, “When was the last time you strength-trained?”

And my brain tried to do math. Because I thought a specific number of minutes was what he was looking for. But since mathing ruins the benefits of massage (science), I stopped trying and just said, “Umm right before this.”

And then he used some fancy massage magician words to explain what he was feeling in my muscles. Which basically meant that I am super strong.

And I hate to give J-V credit. Ever. But he has been kicking my ass this month.

But also, I’ve been going in for regular Massage Magician appointments. Because apparently massage also helps get you swole. By lengthening your muscles. And putting them back in place.

Which is important. Because my shit just be going wherever the hell it wants to. Left hip maybe trying to shift around and spend a little time commiserating with my right obliques.

And as he was working on my lowers, he said, “You’re doing great.”

And I thanked him. Because compliment. But then tried to process what I was doing great at… “ummm I’m doing great just lying here?”

“I mean on your mobility. You’ve been stretching more. I can tell.”

“But also, yeah. You’re doing great at just lying there.”

And not one to let a good compliment go, I doubled down on my just lying there abilities. Going into full brag mode about how well I sleep. Because I can, y’all. My sleep game is strong. Like my muscles.

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