So, I have this Headway app. It reads me summaries of professional development books. An entire book in fifteen minutes. I like it. I listen to it while La La and I are on our morning walks. Makes me feel all productive and smart.

This morning I listened to a summary of “Move Your Stuff, Change Your Life.” It’s all about using feng shui to generate wealth and love and all the things in your life.

I actually have a pretty solid belief in shit like that. That what you put out into the universe comes back to you. The power of gratitude. The impact of your environment on your mental whatever…

So why not finally learn what feng shui is all about.

What I learned is…not good.

Point number one: your prosperity portion of your home is the back left corner of the house. That’s…that’s where the toilet is.

The author does have a solution for you if your toilet is in the prosperity corner of your home. Just move it.

Cool.

I mean, I’m gonna need some of that prosperity to be able to afford to move it.

But glad there’s a solution.

The love corner of your home is at the back right corner of the home. You’re supposed to not store stuff there. And maybe put some fresh slowers and panties there.

The back right corner of my home is…sigh…that’s the cat room. And also storage. Just litter dust-covered storage containers.

I suppose I could switch rooms with the cats. But mine has the ceiling fan. And the closer I get to 50, the more desperately I need that ceiling fan.

So, that’s fine.

Let’s talk about the creativity space in your home. Here’s where I got excited. Because I like to write. And in order to write, you need to be at little creative.

The creativity space is in the middle right. Which…that’s either a staircase. Or another toilet.

But I can work with a staircase. There are walls to hang shit on.

The problem here is that the creativity space is also the children space. Like, this is the space that not only encourages a creative mind, but also conception.

I do not wish to conceive.

So, I mean, is it all or nothing here? Like, if I encourage creativity, am I also encouraging conception?

And how does the litter dust-covered storage containers in the love space impact that whole conception piece? Do they cancel each other out? Or just multiply the potential for a disastrous deadbeat dad situation?

There was some hope for the travel space. It’s right by the front door. I’m supposed to hang pictures of places I want to go there. I should not hang pictures of places I don’t want to go there. And…I’m not sure who’s hanging pictures of places they don’t want to go in their home, but good tip.

So, I guess I’ll focus on that one. The travel space. Of course, I’m not sure how I’m gonna afford it with my prosperity in the shitter and this third child I’m gonna have to raise on my own while going through menopause without a ceiling fan.

But at least the pictures will be cool to look at.