Forget CRL

I can’t currently feel my legs.

It’s sad, really. Because I had such a nice rest day yesterday. It was beautiful. While it lasted.

It ended pretty abruptly at 5:02pm today.

That’s when I drew my first card to determine my first exercise for HIIT Poker.

At PlayFITStayFIT, it’s never just a boring, straightforward workout.

There is always strategic planning and counting and processing involved.

J-Vicious makes me use my brain way more than I’m comfortable with.

But I’d had some study time to mostly figure out what I had to do.

Because I got there early enough to catch some of the 4pm class. But not so early that I had to join in.

And it was good I did, because I had this plan going in to take the 5pm class and then run over to Chestnut Ridge for the 6:13pm group run.


Because GJB is a diva. A high maintenance and extremely emotional diva.

So anyway, I’m chatting with Tiny Brazilian. Who was taking the 4pm class. Because the 5am class she led wasn’t enough. And she was very clear that I should NOT, in fact, try to run to CRL. Because there was no way I’d make it there in time.

I started to be offended by her lack of confidence in me. But J-Vicious noticed Tiny Brazilian chatting with me instead of pushing up, and yelled at us to stop talking.

He put this between us.

Like that was gonna stop us.

But I felt a little bad about disrupting his class, so I made up for it by screaming at Tiny Brazilian to keep her feet up during Sally leg lifts at the end.

So anyway, I start drawing these damn cards. And doing all these tire hit things and jump squats and J-V keeps giving me the heavier sledgehammer and telling me to get lower in my squats. And do you know how long it’s been since I’ve jumped rope? Jumproped? Jump roped? Whatever you call it, I haven’t done it since back when I still had a tiny bit of coordination. And actual leg strength.

And I’m gonna be a little too real here. But after the first 50 jump ropes. Jumps rope? Jumpsropes? I had to pause and go to the bathroom. Because there may have been some pee coming out.

I’m 44.

End of class, J-V puts on that dumbass Sally song. Which is the longest song everrrr. And kept yelling something about 6 inches. And how the hell am I supposed to know how far my feet are from the ground when I’m lying down squeezing my eyes shut trying to hold back the tears???

I was so super thankful for Tiny Brazilian’s doubt about my running abilities at that point, though. Ain’t no way I was running to CRL.

I was barely getting up off of the floor.

Dude beside me asked if I was ok. And how long I’d been doing these workouts.

I think he was looking for some sense of hope that they get easier.

I couldn’t give that to him.

I was trying to dig around for whatever neurons are responsible for voluntary limb movement at that point.

Managed to make it out to my car. And almost lost my shit when I saw a ticket on my windshield.

She thinks she’s cute.

Managed to stick shift my way over to CRL for the group run.

We’re all aware that I have absolutely zero idea how to maneuver Chestnut Ridge Loop on my own, right?

Phrases like, “you can’t miss it” and “you’ll know it when you see you see it” and “you’ll be like oh yeah I know this route once you’ve run it” were thrown around. Like I wasn’t even there.

Those phrases aren’t meant for me.


I was super excited to see Endong there.

Because I thought McAfee had claimed him and I’d have to challenge it to a duel or something to get him back. And mountains are probably hard as hell to fight.

He mentioned wanting to be extra or do extra or something before we started running. And I committed to that before my legs had a chance to remind me what we’d just walked out of.

He settled for some push ups and squats the first mile.

And my legs were kinda chill about it.

But around the two mile mark, he caught the trail exit over to a road out of the corner of his eye and got all giddy.

And he looked at me in that excited expectant way my kids used to look at me when they saw that action figure they desperately wanted and knew I wasn’t gonna say no.

And he says, “let’s go run up that hill real quick.” And one of the guys says, “that’s not a Hill. That’s Peakwood.”

Son of a-

That’s not actually what I said. But in my defense, I think I was actually calling out to my Lord and Savior to stop me from following Endong up damn Peakwood.

He didn’t.

As we were diverting away from the rest of the group to go run damn Peakwood, he said some word like “sprint” or something like that. I was still trying to work out what actual word he said when we hit the road, because I knew he hadn’t just suggested that we sprint up Peakwood, because apparently it’s been too long since I’ve run with him and forgot the level of crazy he brings to the game.

We hit the road and he’s still moving with me at my casual, reluctant pace, and says something about the next telephone pole and a word that again sounds like the word “sprint” but couldn’t possibly be that.

So my brain processes it as “we’ll turn around at the next telephone pole.” And my legs were getting almost excited at the prospect of handing some of the work back over to gravity. And we hit the next telephone pole and this crazy takes off in a damn sprint. Up damn Peakwood.

And I tried. I did. I tried to sprint up damn Peakwood with him. But my legs said absolutely fucking not.

They were beyond done.

So crazy, sweet Endong reluctantly turned around at the top of the first “hill” and led me back to the safety of the trail.

Where my legs were still unwilling to move beyond a shuffle.

It was so bad that North Mountain Overlord and NRLB Falls came back for us after they finished their run.

Bless Overlord’s heart, he crawled along behind me at my snail’s pace until we made it back to the parking lot. And even said how hard that last bit of trail is. It’s not, really. But I appreciate him trying to make my legs feel better about themselves.

I’m not entirely sure when, but apparently my right leg started spontaneously bleeding in protest at some point tonight.

I think it was when dude said the word “Peakwood.”

There was no injury under that blood.

Maybe it was just being dramatic.

But that trail is evil, y’all.

Bad things. Bad things happen on that trail.

Just a few hours earlier, some douchebags stole my girl’s credit cards out of her car at that damn trail.

And then went on the craziest spree I’ve ever heard of.

Really, people. Just be cool, alright? That trail is already the second worst trail ever. (I don’t have to actually say which one is the first actual worst trail, right?)

Don’t add to the misery by being all douchey.

For real. Screw CRL.

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