Brittany Runs A Marathon

If you are anywhere in my vicinity today, and wondering what that smell is, it’s me.

It’s Fall Risk’s fault.

I don’t generally leave the house for social purposes after 5pm on a school night.

But she and Rogue and LL decided to go see Brittany Runs A Marathon last night. In Grandin. At 7pm.

And my resentment over not being included always outweighs my need to be a functioning adult.

First, remember how I entered Fall Risk’s home by immediately lying on the floor on my back before Axe Throwing a few weeks ago? To try to get her dog, who doesn’t like anyone else in the entire world, to like me? And Fall Risk judged me?

Joke’s on her.

Because Lady and I are best friends now.

And I didn’t even have to assume a submissive pose.

She kissed me straight on the mouth.

It’s a big deal.

I can’t even get a man to do that.

And this is probably way too clear to Fall Risk and LL right now. Because they got stuck sitting on either side of me in the theater. And maybe there was some touching.

But in my defense, those seats are hella small. And I have to put my legs and arms somewhere.

They didn’t complain, though, so…

At one point, Fall Risk turned to me and said, “It’s not a porno, Sunshine.”

I’m 45. Everything is a porno.

This movie, though.

Totes adorbs.

Which is not a phrase I generally use. But it feels like the appropriate one for this movie.

And I’ve decided to live my life totally off of feels from now on.

Quiet, brain. No one wants to talk to you.

Ok, so the end of this movie.

Do you remember back when Rogue and I did that Promiseland Parallel Run and afterwards went to see Endgame? Which, you’ve all seen it by now, right? We can talk about the ending now, right?

So, Rogue judged me and the entire rest of the theater for experiencing genuine human emotion when homeboy died? (I won’t say which homeboy. But seriously. Just watch the damn movie.)

Yeah. So, this movie is super inspiring. And maybe LL and I were experiencing genuine human emotions at the end. So that when Rogue turned to us to point out that this chick trained for a marathon for an entire year. And Rogue has a marathon in two weeks. And Rogue probably hasn’t even run since Iron Mountain. That may not be true. But I feel like maybe I haven’t run since Iron Mountain. And we’re on very similar running schedules. So…

Anyway, that’s what she wanted to say when she turned to us.

But what she actually said was, “Are you kidding me??? Are you dumbasses crying???”

I don’t know if she said dumbasses. I couldn’t actually hear her. But her soul-piercing blue eyes were definitely calling us dumbasses.

Im 45, dude. Hormones. Soooo many hormones.

Plus, I’m not a cyborg. That shit was emotional. You’d think she’d never run a marathon before. And experienced all of the emotions.

(But she really is an excellent counselor.)

Ok, but so the reason I smell.

So, I didn’t get home until after 10. And I needed more food by that point. So I didn’t get my normal 8 hours of sleep. And I didn’t prep the coffee before bed. So I had to shower during the percolating process. But it’s a hair washing day. And so I wasn’t fully awake when I was drying my hair.

Not usually a big deal.

There’s not a lot that goes into drying my hair. At least not a lot that I’m willing to put into it.

But I’m at least doing something. So I was drying my hair like a normal functioning adult woman.

Except I kept smelling this smell. During the drying process.

I kept turning the hair dryer off to look for the source of the smell.

And it would go away.

And I’d go back to drying my hair.

And the smell would come back.

You can see where this is going.

I think if I had been even partially caffeinated, I could have processed what was happening more quickly.

But I wasn’t. Even a little caffeinated.

So my hair was damn near dry before I processed that a stink bug had crawled up into the hair dryer and presumably died and I’d been blowing that really excellent smell straight into my hair for several minutes.

Cooked stink bug.

Just all up in my hair.

Do you know how traumatizing that is?

To just smell like stink bug?

Probably forever. I’m probably gonna smell like this forever.

This is what happens when I social on a school night.

It’s fine.

Dogs love me.

So people don’t have to.

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