A Very KRob Christmas

Yesterday was K-Rob-D’s birthday.

So we decided to celebrate. By taking her out to eat. At Red Lobster. Because…



No, that wasn’t us.

That’s what normal families do.

We are not a normal family.

We celebrate each other differently.

And we plan a lot.

And this celebration has been in planning for about a month. And thank goodness it’s finally been implemented. Because people kept throwing details at me.

And I’m not good with details. Or lies.

And there were a lot of lies told over this last month.

But just to K-Rob. I feel like the rest of us were pretty honest with each other. Because we’re family. You don’t lie to family.

Except when it’s their birthday.

Initially, I was going to have to miss this Christmas Mountain Birthday. And ruin my perfect attendance. Due to a wedding.

But thankfully, I was able to get the kids to move their wedding to last weekend. So I was able to make it to both.

Or maybe I just checked the dates again and realized that there was never any actual conflict.

Whatever. The important thing is I was there. I showed up.

The Defrosts and Tiny Brazilian did not.

Which is a shame. Because they’re the ones that planned this whole event.

And Rogue was still off playing with Marines. (She still hasn’t given me the one she brought back for me. I assume because she put him down somewhere and got distracted by some shiny thing and so there’s some super hot Marine just chillin on her kitchen table waiting to meet me. I should probably just stop by.)

But enough of us came through to make it a party.

Even Lil T, y’all.

Lil T voluntarily made the trip to Christmas. Totally uncoerced. No one even had to beg her. Shamelessly. And relentlessly. For months. There probably wasn’t even a large bucket of Fireball involved, either.

Even K-Rob’s husband made the trek. And possibly really enjoyed it. And maybe can’t wait to go back?

We were all just hiking along. Enjoying the beautiful 90 degree fall afternoon.

OT had just come off of friend probation. (He knows what he did.)

Lil T was Fireballing her way up the mountain and mostly not feeling any impulses to harm GJB. Which is odd. Because we all mostly always feel impulses to harm GJB.

Said hello to my penis tree.

Sigh. I miss him when it’s not Christmas.

And then we got to the climb. The really shitty climb.

And sweat was rolling.

And OT’s beer transport device was failing.

And I felt bad about the week he’d just spent on photoshop probation. So I offered to carry it in my pack for him.

And because my core body temperature was hovering somewhere around 110 degrees, the ice started melting faster than I could climb, sending a steady stream of ice cold water down my backside.

So, I was a little distracted when K-Rob encountered the first decoration.

Near the top of the mountain.

Nobody’s ever done a double on Christmas Mountain before.

“GJB made this climb once already just to decorate for K-Rob’s birthday?”

That’s hardcore. That’s badass. That’s…not what actually happened.

Because waiting at the top, just past the Happy Birthday banner, all the way up on the rocks, was one little Tiny Brazilian. And two Defrosts. And a very special Track Star.

And a majestic view.

And a stove. And table. And quesadillas. And beer. And bourbon. And speakers. And music.


Except a lighter.

To light the stove.

That would heat the quesadillas. And the Fireball Apple cider.


But it didn’t even matter.

We packed Christmas Mountain to capacity to celebrate our Awesome K-Rob-D.

And it was perfect. And I mostly didn’t mind that my right ass cheek had numbed over the minute we crested the mountain.

Or that Ginger kept stealing quesadillas directly out of my mouth.

Because we almost made K-Rob cry.

And all of the lies that were told made the trip even more special.

And maybe hypothermia started setting in. Because it was still summer at the bottom of the mountain. Which is what we dressed for.

But it was definitely late fall at the top.

So we may have headed back down before the sun set to completion.

But that mountain is hard enough to traverse back down in the dark. Do you know how much harder it is with a table and stove strapped to your back?

Well, I don’t either.

But The Defrosts certainly do.

And do you know who mostly didn’t go off course on the way back?


Those tiny lights way off course over there through the trees?

Not me.

I’m practically the trusted trail leader of our group now.

Except that maybe I got a little disoriented at a particularly steep section of the descent. Thinking OT was way out in front of me. While also realizing he was approaching quickly from behind me. And maybe it scared the fuck out of me when I turned and saw him coming in hot. And possibly I went down hard. (That’s what she said.) And damn near broke my right arm.

Or at least scratched it.

But because it was her day, K-Rob took the best blood award. And also set a course record for going down the most times.

(Also what she said.)

At any rate, some other questionable stuff happened. That you only get to experience by actually going there. Because what happens on the mountain…

I mean, there may have been some extensive anatomy lessons. Some classy, but also somewhat smutty tractor posing. Someone may have gotten naked out by her car. But her shorts were almost frozen to her body, so that was just safe choices. Maybe some dancing. And singing. And sausage balls.

And talk of a mass sick day. To do it all over again. The next day.

But just talk. Because mortgages.

And a nonsensical call to Rogue. Who has her phone security set to not allow us to FaceTime her. Because she doesn’t ever wear pants in her home. But I don’t think any of us do, so I’m not sure what the problem is.

And so much chocolate cake.

Because K-Rob is Old AF.

But she’s also Awesome AF.

And we would all celebrate her every damn day if we could.

And not just because we wish everyday were Christmas day.

Y’all just wait until August 19, 2020. The Defrosts are gonna carry an entire mariachi band and a salsa bar up there for me.

I love Christmas.

Look at how happy she is. Awwww, Baby Girl.

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