A Very Special Gift

So, I’m at the age now where people gift me pantyliners.

Like, they hand me a bag and say, “Here is a gift to help you control your pee.”

It probably doesn’t help that I had to clean up my own pee from the bathroom floor at work the other day.

But still. I feel like other chicks get, like, diamond earrings and shit.

I get panty liners.

But my sweet Tahani bought them for me.

The panty liners. Not diamond earrings. No one should ever buy me diamond earrings. I’d just lose those. Plus, I’m not even sure my ears are capable of wearing rings anymore. My mother got them pierced when I was, like, two. Or something. And the special little gun they use tore right through one of my lobes. And it was all very traumatizing. I mean, I don’t remember it. But it sounds traumatizing. And so I just don’t even wear earrings anymore. The pain is still too fresh.

I’m not sure why I even used diamond earrings as an example. I probably need to stop watching Hallmark Christmas movies.

Anyway. Tahani gifted me pantyliners yesterday.

And it was funny.

And we laughed.

You’re so silly.

I’ll just put these here in my drawer in case I ever need them.


So, later, I was standing in front of her desk talking to her about our actual jobs. Like, being for real serious and industrious.

And you know those holes desks have in the top for computer chords to fit through? Before Apple made all of the wires go away?

So, Tahani had her shoes off and kept kicking her foot up through that hole.

And I was getting distracted by it. Because I have apparently developed some sort of late adult onset ADD.

I mean, I assumed it was her foot.

But when I said, “I’m sorry. I’m distracted by this toe that keeps popping up over here.”

She said, “What??”

Me: “The toe.”

T (she does this concerned look when she’s genuinely confused. That’s how I know she’s not screwing with me): “What toe?”

Me (starting to question my own sanity): “I mean…”

And so I stood there for a second. Confused. Because how does she not know where her toe is.

Unless…maybe it’s not her toe?

But whose toe…

“Isn’t that your foot?”

Ok. So she apparently didn’t realize there was a hole here.

I’m not exactly sure what she thought was happening to her desk in that general area? Or what alternate plane her foot was existing in. But I guess maybe she doesn’t have a real strong grasp on the properties of physics.

Not like I do. Because I’m brilliant. My mother says so.

So, anyway. Those pantyliners are lifesavers.

I’ll only be accepting useful gifts going forward.

One response to “A Very Special Gift”

  1. don kardong once said, “without hallmark movies, there would be darkness and chaos.”

    or maybe that was ice cream.

    never mind.

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