Spartan Sprint and Trifecta. Finally.

I just used my toothbrush to clean myself. Because there was still mud from Saturday. In places.

I did brush my teeth first. Which is a fair question.

But now one of you has to be in charge of reminding me to buy a new one on my way home from work today.

Because the chances of me remembering to do that on my own are slim. So when you see me brushing my teeth at work tomorrow, you’ll know y’all all failed me.

And just because we woke up to this

Sunday morning (which is bullshit, btw. Because really? Constant cold rain for the 16 mile race, but clear skies and sun for the 4 mile race???), does not mean there was not mud.

Because this

But also still on most of the hills. Which I didn’t photograph. Because survival.

Except not all of the hills. No. The more treacherous hills that we had to climb and descend on Saturday were dry.

Completely dry.

Like this dry

That shit was pure mud slide Saturday.

But Sunday? They had it closed. Diverting runners around it. Because it was deemed too dangerous…


But that’s not even…

And also this

Slid the fuck down that Saturday. Which is why my ass looks the way it does right now. But no. Let’s not make Sunday’s fair weather Beast runners go down that dry ass hill…

Anyway. My point. Saturday I stood at the top of a hill not unlike this one. Trying to pull Mija up. Because she’s about two feet tall. Without losing my own footing. Because you have to help yourself before you can help your child.

And there was a dude just standing behind her watching this unfold. And so I yelled at him. “Would you please just grab her ass and push her up to me???”

“Oh. Yeah. I was just waiting for consent.”

And he seemed a little excited about the idea of being allowed to grab Mija’s ass without getting his kicked.

But he hesitated too long. And a superhuman sized chick manifested out of nowhere and threw Mija right on up to me.

Poor guy. Missed his chance.

So anyway, that’s why I announced to everyone in the area at the start of yesterday’s race that ass grabbing consent is implied at Spartan when we are attempting to climb up or over anything. ANYTHING.

Because it was important for Fall Risk to understand. Someone wants to help you. You let them.

We had to tell this chick multiple times, “This dude is offering you his hand. You take it. You take it now.”

Because I swear she thought she was just gonna suffer through this bullshit alone? Has she learned nothing from us?

Because for as independent and stubborn as we are, we sure as fuck gonna help each other through whatever dumbass decision we’ve talked each other into.

And we gonna make the strangers around us help, too. Whether they want to or not.

I’ll grab hold of a stranger in a heartbeat.

Nobody Spartans alone. I’m pretty sure I’ve explained this before.

Except some people. Some people are straight dicks in these races. Dude. If you’re not wearing a red headband, calm the fuck down. No one cares about your finish time.

Because if y’all keep elbowing people out of the way or stepping on people during cargo climbs, I’m gonna let Rogue go ahead and cut you. Because she really really wants to.

She scared one dude enough that he waited two obstacles to find her. And apologize. Respectfully.

She accepted.

Because she’s also a really good person. When you’re not an asshole.

So anyway, we’re done.

Fall Risk demonstrated what a fucking badass she is by taking her still recovering ankle out onto what most east coast Spartans are calling the most brutal course they’ve ever done. And she earned the hell out of her shirt and medal. And wrote her own thoughts about that bullshit here.

And Rogue, Mija, and I finally finally finished this damn Trifecta.

(Except let’s not talk about this to Rogue. It angers her. And makes her yell things at me. About promises. And six fucking races. And what do you mean there’s not a separate medal? And fuck a calendar year. And I am not doing this again. You promised me!)

It’s fine.

She’ll be fine.

Because we did this.

Wait. Y’all confused about who Mija is?

So, remember that time some dude thought I was Tiny Brazilian’s Mother?

Saturday. That happened Saturday.

And maybe it has also happened before. That another person thought I was her mother. Maybe this wasn’t the first time.

So, as if that wasn’t damaging enough to my very fragile ego. This bitch wore pigtails for the Sprint yesterday.

Fucking pigtails.

Like she’s 12.

So, fine. Whatever. Imma just call her Mija from now on.

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