Better Than Homeless Massage

Sushi. Doritos. And what is that? Dip?

Yes, child. That is dip.

Oh. For the chips.

Yes, child. For the chips.

Aaaand a toothbrush. Because of the sushi, Doritos, and dip.

…sure. Let’s say that’s why I need that.

Look, I don’t need your judgement, cashier boy. Just lemme pay for my stuff.

I wasn’t feeling well when I left work yesterday. Nausea. Dizziness. Occasional body temp fluctuations.

And when I went to the store for my toothbrush. Because Skratch was the only one of you that reminded me about getting a toothbrush. My body said, yeah we also need these things.

I don’t know. I can’t explain my body to you.

I did try to explain it to the massage place receptionist when she was collecting information for GG. My massage person.

Look, DD. GG’s gonna see some things. So can you just write “I’m sorry” on that fancy little iPad?

That’s right. You did a Sparta this weekend! Did you get the hat?

I mean, it’s Spartan. But no. Hat? What hat? I should have gotten a hat! Why didn’t I get a damn hat! I didn’t even get a damn Trifecta medal! I should have at least gotten a fucking hat!!

Ok, so I’ll just note here that you’ve got some bruising.

Sure. But what you should also prepare her for is the gash running the curve of my right ass cheek. It looks like someone took a serrated knife and tried to cut off my right hind quarter. But then got tired of trying to cut through all the meat. And just left it.


So then DD puts this sandbag around my neck. And I have momentary flashbacks to Sunday. When I was walking with two of those bitches around my neck. Pretending like it wasn’t a fucking struggle. And demanding that everyone tell my son that I did that. Because he did it last time. And I’m pretty sure not one of those bitches ever told him…

But this sandbag was heated. And felt comforting.

So I calmed the hell back down.

Then GG rolls in. And she’s super excited about the massaging that’s gonna happen. And asks me to give her some sunshine. And I’m not sure if she’s hitting on me or…

Whatevs. This is still already better than homeless dude massage.

Except then GG gets real chatty. Right from the jump.

What does your tattoo say?

Theeee one that you’re looking right at?

I can’t read it upside down.

Laughter is sunshine. It chases winter from the human face.

Oh. Pretty. Is that where you got your name from?

…from my tattoo…? No. I got that from my mom. The tattoo came later.

Wow. Your shoulders are really tight back here, girl. You’ve got some impressive knots going on.

Thanks. I’ve been working on those for a while.

Look at you showing off.

Like, right now? Am I flexing back there? Because I don’t even know how…

You young girls doing all this crazy stuff.

Yeah. I’m super young.

So what are your plans for Thanksgiving?

Hey, GG? Can we just shhhh…

So GG shhhshed.

And then proceeded to move on down and spend forever on my feet. Which she called “crunchy.” Which I guess is better than crusty. But what do you mean exactly?

You’ve been running too much. Your feet were really tight and crunchy. I had to work all of that out.

And while I would have liked her to do more with my shoulders. I was totally ok with all of the time she spent on my feet.

Because that’s a fairly…special place for me.

As I explained to my Sparta chicks this weekend.

Shortly before Mija started rubbing my crunchy feet Saturday night.

Ok, but you heard me explain…never mind. You just keep doing that.

We like to bond on these trips.

Speaking of my Sparta chicks. If we’re not Facebook friends, you should probably go ahead and visit Facebook. And head over to the PlayFITStayFIT Facebook page. And watch the most recent installment of Between 2 Kettle Bells.

Because J-Vicious interviewed Fall Risk yesterday.

And imma need y’all to really focus on the 13 minute mark of that interview.

Because that blog post is coming.

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