Find Out Who My Friends Are

Remember how I said it was so good to “see” all of my gym people Monday evening? At the virtual class?

Stole this pic from Fall Risk

Yeah, screw that.

This pandemic is really starting to turn people.

And I’m learning now who my friends really are.

It started off ok.

I was almost late to class. But not.

That prompted Fall Risk to send the exact same message she would send if she were standing inside of actual PlayFITStayFIT. At 4:58. For the 5 o’clock class. And I wasn’t there yet.

“Where are you.”

Ummmm, got caught in traffic?

But I made it there. On time.

And I saw the stupid white board. With 10-20-30-30-20-10 written across the top of it.

And the list of exercises. Inch worms. Push ups. Jump lunges. Supermans. Russian Twists.

There’s more…

I could see there were more exercises after that. But I couldn’t read them.

What comes after Russian Twists???

Because maybe I wasn’t paying attention when J-Vicious was explaining.

And what does J-Vicious hate most in the world?

Having to repeat himself because someone wasn’t paying attention.

Normally I wouldn’t care. And I’d ask him anyway.

But he had us muted.

Which. Ok, this is probably a good thing. Because now I can whine and complain and express myself in my most basically natural way. Without offending his less sailorlike clientele.

Seriously. This quarantine is doing nothing for my efforts to develop public appropriate language.


My vocabulary is gonna be a shit show when we come out of this.

So, anyway.


The next exercise was burpees.


And then more push ups. Close Grid Push Ups or some shit like that.

And some other stuff.

But fuckin burpees, man.

And I don’t know about the rest of them, but by the time we hit the first round of 30, I was moving slow enough that he realized a second round of 30 was unlikely.

So he let us skip that round. And jump straight back down to 20 and then 10.

I think he does that sometimes. It’s not that we can’t live up to his expectations. It’s that he wants to, every now and then, seem benevolent. So he throws extra shit in there. Just so he can say, “You can skip this part. You’re welcome.” Halfway through a bullshit class.

I’m onto you, J-V.

Ok. And so here’s another cool part of these ZOOM workouts.

I took a call during the last round.

And either he wasn’t paying close enough attention to see it. Or he thought it was a work call. (It wasn’t. A work call. It was totally a social call.)

Either way, he didn’t yell at me.

Do you know what would happen if I took a fucking call during real world class?

Yeah. He’d confiscate my phone. For a week. And make my mom come pick it up. And she’d take her sweet ass time doing that. Because I shouldn’t have had it taken away in the first place. And natural consequences. And maybe I’ll learn for next time. And whatever mom! Just go get my fucking phone!!

Well, that language isn’t gonna make me help you…

But in virtual class. I can get away with so much shit.

You know who can’t?

Fall Risk and LL.

You know who still gets yelled at. In virtual class?

Fall Risk and LL.

But at the end of class. As we were all unmuted. And chatting during our cooldown…

“I don’t understand why you didn’t yell at Sunshine even once.”

The fuck???

Dude. LL. Just be cool, man. The fuck are you doing???

Maybe because Sunshine was doing exactly what she was supposed to be doing. (This was me. Referring to myself in the third person. Because it sounds more legitimate that way.)

Nah. You guys were muted. I couldn’t hear her.

Yeah, I guess she is more mouthy than the rest of us.

The fuck???

Dude. LL. Just be cool, man. The fuck are you doing???

And then. After class. This chick has the nerve to post on my Facebook about how much she loves me.

Oh now you wanna play nice. Psht.

So this is how the pandemic is showing me exactly who my friends are.

Hell. I even tagged Fall Risk in an Instagram push up challenge. Causing her to do even more push ups. Than the 200ish we did in class. Because Tommy Carlos tagged me. So if I have to do them, she has to do them.

And still. She didn’t even walk me near the bus LL was driving. Let alone try to throw me under it.

Because she knows how to act. Up in these virtual streets.

It’s cool.

LL and I will meet again. In class. In person.

And I can snitch, too.

And I’ma follow LL’s ass around that gym notifying J-V every time she takes an unauthorized break. Or goes too light on the weights. Or complains. Or rolls her eyes.

Oh, it’s on.

Now. If you’ll excuse me. I need some Roanoke Yoga this morning. Because single leg deadlifts. And fucking burpees. So many fucking burpees.

And if any of y’all see LL out in the streets, real or virtual, let her know. I’m coming for her.

Also, somebody tell Skratch to stop provoking J-V on my behalf. I did not say I’d make him cry during the next real world Screw Your Neighbor workout.

Seriously, y’all. Chill. Just be cool.

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