Leadville Rules

You have to pick out girl names ahead of time. Only having boy names is how you end up with a child named Sunshine or some hippy shit like that. And then she’s got to spend her life answering all kinds of uncomfortable questions.

And that comment was what kicked off the debate. Between my parents. My mother and father. About how much I’d be worth…as a stripper.

My mother priced me higher. In case…you were curious.

(Where is my list of issues for my therapist…)

My mom also gave me rules. For Leadville.

“Do not show your ass on the plane.”

After some clarifying questions by my dad, it was determined that she only meant figuratively. Literally, I can show my actual ass to whoever I want. Whomever? Whoever. Meh. She’ll text me and tell me which one is correct.

She didn’t clarify if I should be asking for the $5 bills she priced me at before or after I showed my ass.

(I should probably schedule some extra therapy sessions to cover this list…)

I assured her I would not end up on the news. Or YouTube.

I’m not sure how comforted she was by my assurances.

I am not actually known for following direction well.

“What’s that all over your legs?”

Oh that? I think that’s probably just poison ivy. Or poison oak. Possibly some embedded ticks. Or hell, maybe even a few snake bites.

Because after I followed Beautiful Beastie and Tiny Brazilian. To drop BB’s car off yesterday morning. Somewhere near the Canadian border. And then took them back over to Dragon’s Tooth parking lot. And sent them off to run back to BB’s car…

Rogue and I drove over to Andy Layne. To head up over North Fucking Mountain back to Dragon’s Tooth.

“Do you know what poison oak looks like?”

Not really. But I think it probably looks like this stuff we’re climbing through…

And at the top of the climb. Up to the ridgeline. We ran into them.

Tiny Brazilian’s pants were torn. And they looked exhausted. Apparently from the jungle they’d just fought their way through. And they were talking about Benadryl and shit.

“Don’t go that way. It’s way overgrown. You can’t see what you’re stepping on. Snakes and poison and ticks.”

Then off they went. Headed for the northern border. To reclaim BB’s car.

And Rogue and I looked at each other.

And kind of shrugged.

And definitely went that way.

We are experiential learners…

The fact that they were both wearing long tights. And still felt itchy and concerned. And we were both wearing shorts…


We were already exposed at that point. May as well keep going.

I think at one point, Rogue suggested that we could go back over and just climb Dragon’s Tooth.

Which we both agreed was a good idea.

As we just kept maneuvering through the jungle.

I mean, we are very good at identifying the good choices. We just…don’t always actually make them.

But about a mile in we got to this.

And we both agreed that six miles was probably a pretty solid morning.

And so we turned around. And went back.

See? Good choices.

As I was leaving the Dragon’s Tooth parking lot. After Rogue dropped me off. I saw three lost looking young men.

Can I help y’all?

“We’re looking for North Mountain.”

Well, that seems like a bad idea. It’s really overgrown. Lots of poison and ticks. Can’t see if you’re stepping on snakes. It’s awful. Anyway, you go in over there.

Then they all looked down at their bare legs. And then two of them turned to the third one.

“You’re going first.”

Yeah. I know what it is to be that guy.

I almost told them not to be a bunch of little bitches. As they hesitated a bit. But instead I just told them to have fun. And drove away.

Also, my legs are perfectly fine today. So Rogue’s theory that the Covid vaccine would protect us from poison oak was clearly legitimate.

I wonder what else it will protect us from…

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