Utah National Park Tour: Bryce Canyon

Air bnb dude: “Have you ever seen the Milky Way?”

My dumbass responding excitedly: Yes!

Air bnb dude: *looking at me skeptically*

Fall Risk: *staring at me confused*

My dumbass justifying my response: At my old house. I could see all kinds of shit.

And then I threw in something about light pollution to make me sound smarter.

I’m not. I’m not smarter.

The Big Dipper.

I could see the Big Dipper from my old house. And the little one. And some guy’s belt.

I could really see everything except the Milky Way. Which I assume you need a fairly high powered telescope for.

Or maybe not. Here. At the top of the earth’s atmosphere.

Fuck. I don’t know.

In my defense, I’d accidentally ordered a forty at dinner.

God only knows what else I claimed.

At any rate. We went to Bryce Canyon today.

So as we were rolling along through the park. Listening to Mark tell us horror stories about how the canyon used to be filled with water. And some shit about being right on top of a fault line. And things that used to be connected.

We were trying to focus on the beauty. And not the terror.


But it was also getting after noon. And we were hungry.

And Skratch created this really accurate Sunshine care and operation flow chart. In response to Fall Risk only feeding me once a day.

And then we rolled up to an overlook with this.


I don’t know if you’ve ever run any kind of distance mountain mileage with me. But my gas station hot dog fantasies go hard when I’m adventuring.

And these hot dogs were even better than gas station hot dogs.

These were, like, Chicago level hot dogs.

And they had curly fries, too?

This is all we’ve been wanting on this trip. Is for these national parks to put food trucks along the routes.

And since it was cold and not life-threateningly hot. We sat in the car to eat. And…

So I maybe need to get back to the gym. ASAP.

Because I was struggling for breath. Eating a hot dog. While sitting in the car.

And then I remembered that we were sitting at about 8,000 feet. Because Mark told us about atmosphere and shit.

And that felt a little better.

Until I remembered that I’d run 15 miles at 13,000 feet just two months ago. So…

Yeah. Gym.

And I’d spent all that time yesterday whining about missing the slot canyons.

But today…

Just damn…

I mean, we still haven’t seen any of these big horned mountain goat sheep or marmots or prairie dogs Utah claims to have. Which I’m becoming increasingly convinced is a scam.

I’m pretty sure they’ve just made up these marmot crossing signs just to seem exotic.

But all they’ve really got is chipmunks and cows.

But I did meet a dog today. That totally made out with me. After I pretended I had no interest in him.

I hate it when GJB is right.

And Fall Risk was wearing her fucking PlayFITStayFIT sweatshirt. That says some shit like “I’m not here to be average, I’m here to be awesome.” Or whatever.

And, I mean, I was also wearing my PlayFITStayFIT shirt. But mine says…

Ok. If you can’t read that across my sports bra monoboob, it says, “We don’t like you either. – Burpees”

And after about the 100th person told Fall Risk that she was “Awesome!”

I mean, Leo may have lost her shit a little.

And possibly screamed at a group to just shut up, for fuck’s sake!

Will you people stop telling her that!?

Which provoked this dude to chase Fall Risk down the mountain. And try to molest her.

And I’ll be damned if I’ma just let some dude roll up on my girl like that.

And I almost had to fight him.

And he said some shit about being vaccinated. Like that makes a difference.

But I did that thing I do when another Leo is getting more attention than me. And that seemed to scare him off.

Asked some chicks to take our photo at the top. And as we’re standing there posing, homegirl said, “get closer!”

So I wrapped all of myself around Fall Risk. Because I apparently don’t have a photo setting between casual acquaintance and secret lover.

But then this chick wants to try to direct my photo taking of her and her friend.

Bitch, please. You’re not gonna find a more dedicated photo stranger in this park. Just let me handle this.

She’s gonna remember me always as that really AWESOME chick who takes THE BEST pics.

Anyway, we made it to our new Air bnb. With our host. Happy.

Who smells strongly of weed.

And is super chatty.

And for real, Happy? Homegirl and I just spent the two hour drive here in complete silence.

(Except for that moment when Fall Risk pulled out in front of a tanker truck going high speed at us and I panic attacked before I realized it was splitting off into an entirely separate road. To which Fall Risk responded a little too casually, “Oh, isn’t that a separate road he’s going on? Like, bitch you weren’t SURE???)

So we definitely don’t need the two hour run down of the history of Kanab.

But he at least gave us good food recommendations.

And I don’t know if we ended up at one of the ones he recommended. But I know I definitely had two meals today. So I’ll call that a win.

Just FaceTimed with our girl, Rogue. Because we miss her.

And started planning our next adventures.

Because this needs to be my life now.

And when I do finally get back to the gym, I’m gonna demand a shirt like Fall Risk’s. That says how AWESOME I am. And I’m gonna where it on every future national park tour.

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