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Unmedicated, But Caffeinated

That is what was left of a Joe Bean’s iced mocha coffee. With whipped cream. And chocolate syrup. After a one hour meeting with DSS.

She brought me that coffee as an apology. For “running me ragged” with truancy.

Look, I don’t know how much y’all know about the Department of Social Services.

But when one of their social workers feels sorry for you. Because your job is overworked and underpaid.

You know some shit ain’t right with the world.

Walked her back to my office and she read the name plate by my door.

“Testing Coordinator. You do that, too?”

That’s actually my main job. Truancy is just the extra work they gave me to help with so they could justify making me full time.

“But truancy is…beyond full time…”


“Ok. So can you walk me through your process?”

And then we both kind of stared at the piles of file folders. And papers. All over my office.

As I sat there sucking down that iced mocha like a crack pipe.

I have no process…

“I’m just trying to figure out how to help you.”

I’m not sure… I don’t think you can. I’m not sure how I’m even doing this. I just…do it.

“You know, we’ll have some positions opening up soon…”

And then I laughed. Hard. And loud.

Which was probably a super shitty response.

But seriously.

Ain’t nobody wanna go work at DSS. During a pandemic. I know how many kids aren’t making it. I’m as close as I wanna be to that. Because I know how unfixable it is. With the current level of apathy our government. And society. Have for people in struggle.

I want one of those jobs. That you don’t have to work. Like all of the people the news keeps talking about.

I want to be one of the millions that are “exiting the workforce.”

How do I do that?

Let’s make that happen.

Because I’m no longer medicated.

Because my meds were apparently the reason my tremor was getting worse.

And not just…all of this…

(Gestures wildly to the file folders surrounding her.)


I had a dream about Trump last night.

We all know, right? My Mexican American behind is not a fan.

And even if I were.

That is not the face. Or body. That you want finding its way into your brain as you slumber.

Never did manage to fall back asleep.

Because I can no longer trust my subconscious.

So I’m gonna just move through the day. Doing all of my non-process work. And just focus on getting to go to Arm Day later.

Because that’s where I am in life.

PlayFITStayFIT Arm Day is gonna be the highlight.



Just reading and writing and running and looking for my happy place.

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