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Continuing To Prove My Intelligence

“I almost stopped you and told you to get off the road yesterday.”

What? Why?

“You were out running. Police cars just flying by you. Lights on. Sirens blaring. Because there was some dude out on Washington St with a gun.”


“But then I figured you’d already passed him. Given him a high five. And were on your way back home.”

I had no idea.

“Like five cop cars flew by you.”

I was aware of none of that.

“How have you survived this long in life?”

…I’m a very intelligent person…

It’s a theme in my life. Having to announce my intelligence.

Like today.

When I tried to demonstrate my knowledge of how to use a phone.

So we got these fancy new phones at school last week.

Fancy new phones that they don’t make anymore so I can’t drink coffee near them because we can’t replace them. Or fix them.

That was actually one of the directives I received today.

Anyway. This fancy new phone just showed up on my desk one morning.

Just right in the middle of my desk. Right in the middle of testing season.

I don’t need shit just showing up on my desk in the middle of testing season.

But hell. Since it was there…

I went ahead and set up my voicemail. Made a couple of calls. Figured out the basics.

Then set it aside. Out of my way. Because my old old phone was also still on my desk.

Apparently, we’re not letting go of the old old phones until we’re sure everyone can operate the new old phones.

And to achieve that end, Confections Goddess had to schedule all of us for phone training with Head Phone Guy.

Except…testing season.

So I asked to be exempt. (I have asked to be exempt from every training this year. Because testing season. It’s a really solid excuse.)

Except today. I finished up testing with 30 minutes left in the school day.

And Head Phone Guy caught me in my office.

“So you haven’t done the phone training yet.

No. Sorry. Testing season…

“I noticed you figured out how to set up your voicemail on your own. You’re the only one to do that.”

…So what I hear you saying is I’m the smartest person here.

He responded to this with silence. Like, he kept moving his mouth like he wanted to say something. But he just couldn’t figure out what.

No, it’s fine. You don’t have to actually say the words. But it’s definitely what I heard.

I mean, it’s a phone. I just did what you do with phones. Been using them my whole life.

And in an effort to demonstrate my phone skills, I picked up the receiver and mimed making a call.

Which was probably not really effective in proving my point.

But then I tried to hang the phone back up.

And missed.


And then said something like, yeah these phones are really hard to hang up.

Like I’d just found some technical glitch that someone should look into.

“…Yeah…I’m just not sure how you figured out your PIN to get into your voicemail.”

Honestly, neither am I.

“Ok, well if you have a minute, I’ll just show you a few things.”

And after he ran through all the technicals like blind transfers and conferencing and some combination of numbers used to reset the phone that I know damn well his Head Phone Guy ass doesn’t think I’m actually going to remember…

After all of that, he finishes up with, “And do you see this little hook piece right here? This is where you hook the receiver to hang up. It should hook here just like this. But if you’re really having a hard time with it, you can move this piece at the back of the phone to make it lay flat. Might make it easier to hang up.”

Ok, but I set up my voicemail on my own.

Smartest person here…


Just reading and writing and running and looking for my happy place.


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