Awkward Encounters

“Oh, you live there!”

And it was the way she emphasized “you.

Like, maybe I was not supposed to live there. In my home. That I bought. And pay for every month. And spend three-four days every week mowing. And cleaning. And chatting with.

So I stopped. And kind of looked around myself. To make sure I was, in fact, in my own yard. Before responding, that yes. I do live here.

“I didn’t know you lived there!”

And my brain went into panic search for any record of who this person was that we obviously have met before, because why else would she be talking to me like she’s surprised to see me.

And because of who I am as a person, obviously I went along. And didn’t question…whooo she actually was.

Yep! It’s…me! Hey…you!

“I see you out running. I’m so jealous.”

Oh! Right! Ok! Yeah! Yeah, no. You shouldn’t be jealous. I’ve basically beaten my body into early arthritis and joint issues. Running is the worst. I’m Sunshine, by the way. It’s nice to meet you.

“I’m just so jealous.”

Ok…so…you really shouldn’t, though. I’m really just in constant pain…

“You just look so good out running.”

Ok, then. I’m gonna go inside now. You have a nice day.

Still don’t know who she is. Because apparently we are no longer offering reciprocating introductions after someone tells you their name. That’s cool.

And so I went inside. To try to process through that odd little interaction. That I’m not sure I was actually even part of. To try to determine if I was the issue. That made it awkward.

Which is when I heard my USPS book delivery guy pull up.

So I went back out onto the porch. To say hi. And get my book.

Except what I found was not my USPS book delivery guy.

It was a USPS book delivery guy.

And he was laid out on the ground. Crawling his way onto my porch. Having a whole conversation. With my cat. In cat language.

Just…”Meow. Meow meow. Meow?”

And I…well, I didn’t know what to do. Because Punky was just looking at me like she was worried for both of us. So, I think I said something like, You want to go say hello, Punky?

“No. No I don’t want to say hello to the weird little guy crawling closer and closer to me speaking gibberish.”

And dude just kept on. In what he seemed to believe was fluent cat.

And I’m just standing there. Awkward as fuck. With no idea what to do.

Fight or flight? Fight or flight?

So, Punky decides she’s had enough. And starts coming towards the door to go into the house.

Which is the point at which dude says, in actual human English, “Aren’t you a pretty girl.”

And that little hussy immediately turned around and walked right over to him.

And they just start loving on each other.

Ok, then…I’m gonna just…grab my package there…

At no point during any of this did he ever look at me or even acknowledge my existence.

I actually feel pretty certain that had I not been there to supervise this encounter, those two would be on some island somewhere right now. Married. And nursing a hangover.

He eventually got up and walked back to his truck.

And Punky came inside the house. Looking a little too pleased with herself.

And I’m still trying to figure out…like, how. How does all of the awkwardness find me?

Because that was definitely not me.

I did not create nor did I add to that situation.

I didn’t. Right?

I have re-enacted it for every person at work who will listen.

I carry the awkward with me. And share it with the world.

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