It’s possible some of us may owe J-Vicious an apology.
I’m not…entirely comfortable with the idea of apologizing to J-V.
But I’m also an upstanding person. Who can admit when she was wrong.
Fall Risk and I volunteered for Ironman registration day again this year.
Picked one of those all day 8 hour work hours volunteer shifts. Like the dumbasses we are.
Because we’re committed to our community.
Fall Risk and I were very clear going in. That we would not be working the iPads again this year. It was way too stressful.
But we also all know me. And how much I like to know things. And how much I like for other people to know I know things.
So as the lady was demonstrating how to use the iPads. And asking for volunteers. Fall Risk and I looked around at the demographic surrounding us. Retirees…
I was physically uncomfortable not walking over and picking up an iPad. And announcing to everyone that I would be handling registration. And everyone else could go do lesser jobs. I’ve got this.
But Fall Risk was prepared. To muzzle me if she had to.
So she just sort of ushered me over to the swag table. Where all we would have to do was hand people bags. Of swag.
And then she left me. To guard our station. While she went off to find the port a potties.
Which is when people started to surround me.
Just dozens of volunteers. In green shirts. Trying to takeover our station.
You have to come back.
They all want to work this station.
They’re standing very close to me.
Captain Chris is telling everyone to work this station.
They have me surrounded.
Some dude just sat in your chair.
I’m about to go home.
I can’t do this.
“My god, just tell them you have it covered!”
I cant…I’m gonna go get an iPad.
But she’s stronger than me.
So she came back.
And reclaimed her chair.
And the swag bag station.
Which is when Captain came over and tried to train us. On how to hand out bags…
“Ok. So do y’all understand what you need to do here?”
I pick up this bag, and I…hand it to them…
“Yes. Very good.”
And then he started touching things. Trying to organize shit.
And I thought Fall Risk might smack his hand.
But he moved on. After he knocked an entire box of insoluble vitamin C containers over.
At one point. He started giving JJ stuff. Shirts. Hats. Finisher’s medals.
“But…I didn’t run the race.”
“But…it’s a finisher’s medal. I didn’t finish the race.”
“It doesn’t matter.”
“No. I think it actually does. And why are you putting the volunteers’ sandwiches out to just sit in the sun??”
“Because that’s what the lady in the maroon shirt told me to do.”
“You can’t put them in the sun. We’ll all die.”
And so, JJ is the Captain now. Which feels right.
And here’s what Fall Risk and I didn’t get to experience last year. While working the iPads.
Because the registration tent is set up in an assembly line fashion.
You get your timing chip. Then you go to the next tables and get your bib number. From the iPad people.
Then you come to Fall Risk and me to get your swag bag.
Then you move on down the line to the next… station…
After an hour of having to aggressively lay across the table to shove a bag at someone. Before they skipped our station entirely. And answering questions like, “So, is this everything?” or “Where do I go next?”
Literally two steps forward. To that table piled with race shirts. Right…in front of you. That’s where you go next.
“Where do I get my bus time?”
That’s two stations down. Listen. Just Focus. Just take this bag that I’ve been holding out to you for two minutes while you look confused. And move to the next. fucking. station.
Yesterday was arm day. And I’m tired.
The I turned to Fall Risk.
I think we owe J-Vicious an apology.
“I definitely do not owe him anything.”
But we made so much fun of him over the stations, and now…
And about the time I was preparing to suck up my pride. And apologize to J-V. For both of us.
Rogue shows up. For her shift.
And promptly settles in next to some beautiful blonde extrovert.
And not next to us.
Where she belongs.
And since she kept her back to us. As they chatted animatedly and smiled and laughed…
Fall Risk and I had to take to the messenger group. To try to get her back into her place.
It got a little aggressive at one point.
I may have thrown the phrase “fucking whore” around.
That was over the top.
I didn’t mean that.
I just…my insecurities lead to jealousy.
I probably need some counseling for that.
Which is the point where Rogue finally extracted herself from the blonde. And made her way back to us. And explained that blondie is a therapist. And she was trying to hook Fall Risk and I up.
No no, I do need that.
She’s probably very nice.
Don’t ever leave me.
She didn’t see the “fucking whore” comment, did she?
But also. We already have a therapist.
We don’t need another one. In our friend group.
So today I have to go over to Ironman Village.
And hide behind the boxes of Vitamin C.
And monitor Rogue.
To make sure she’s not chatting up blondie.
Or some other beautiful woman. Who has her shit way more together than Fall Risk and me.
And also to make sure the athletes understand that they have to just move to the next fucking station.
Seriously. How are y’all gonna navigate through the streets of Roanoke if you can’t even navigate a fucking assembly line???
I should probably take some water balloons with me…