Natural Bear Repellant

Disclaimer: In case you’ve found this post by searching for “natural bear repellant” on the internet. I’m sorry. This is not that. This is satire. Well, actually it’s my life. But my life is basically satire. So…

So, it’s freakishly beautiful in Virginia today.

Cool. Clear. Lovely.

And because every run I went on last week left me feeling like a sloth. Crawling through quicksand.

And because all of my people were fitnessing in 40 mile ultras or on those stupid bicycles or just plain working. I decided to take myself out to Day Creek.

In search of beautiful views.

And bears.

Because unlike out west, our bears are real.

And they are everywhere.

My dad sent me a video of a bear chillin outside their house the other night. Facebook posted a bear just strolling along 24th street downtown. Travel Goddess has sent me 5,000 photos and videos of all the bears she’s hoarding at her house.

The bears are in abundance.

They are everywhere. Except where I am.

And dammit, I wanna see one.

I woke up about an hour later than I’d planned.

So I missed sunrise on the parkway.

But it was fine.

Because I needed the daylight to watch for snakes.

And bears.

It took me exactly one hour to make the first 3 mile climb.

Which is also when the grease I’d lathered onto my inner thighs had disappeared.

And so you know when you’re running along? And sometimes your feet forget the one job they have? And they get tangled up? And you just kind of stumble to the ground?

Ok. So, that happened. But with my thighs…

Like, my right thigh got caught behind my left thigh..

And without the benefit of inner thigh grease…

Or any sort of gap…

The friction just…it was like my left thigh just grabbed hold of my right thigh. And would not let her go.

But my feet were still moving.

And I was already panicking.

And finally my right thigh was able to fight through the friction. And free herself.

But by that time, I was already stumbling towards the very grassy ground.

With visions of rattlers. And copperheads. And ticks. In my head.

I didn’t fall all the way down.

I managed to catch myself.

And regain my balance.

And keep going.

Looking totally dignified.

And now my left achilles is feeling a little…twingey.

So, that’s cool.

But I kept on going. Across the parkway. And onto the AT.

And the views were perfect.

And watching the sunrise behind the Peaks would have been amazing.

But you know what also would have been amazing?

A bear.

And about the time I was thinking that I should probably be looking around myself more. So I could see one. Instead of staring at the ground. And my thighs. In order to avoid the snakes. And thigh friction.

Travel Goddess sends me a message.

With video.

And pictures.

Of her 5,000th black bear she’s accumulated at her home just this year.

“It’s crazy. I’ve never seen anything like it.”

That’s because I am driving them towards you.

I am a natural bear repellant.

(There it is random google searchers. The reason for the title. So, I mean, if you’re looking for some. Natural bear repellant. Apparently, I’m your girl. And I really am down for any adventure that might involve bears. Except Yellowstone. If they ever reopen it. That place is bullshit. And their bears aren’t real.)

Anyway. Rogue says the bears are at the Cove.

And my brand new clearance trail shoes arrived today.

And I need to break them in before Wednesday’s 20 mile adventure. That will also not involve bears.

So, I may head out there Monday. To test my theory.

Has anyone ever been eaten by a bear at the Cove…?

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