Actually. Shitstorm of vulnerability. Is more accurate.
But seems inappropriate for a title.
It’s ok to cuss in an actual post. Just not the title.
So, shitstorm of vulnerability.
Those are the best words I have to describe what is happening inside of my brain right now.
My son asked me how the new job was going last night.
Which, I mean, it’s not a lie. I still love my new job.
But when my old co-workers are texting and snap chatting me. From my old job. Where I was comfortable. And had people. Had them.
It just magnifies this massive insecurity about my new job.
Spent the day analyzing data yesterday.
I did that.
I analyzed. Data.
Then went to the gym. Where Big Lick asked how far a 20k is.
And my brain started panicking. And throwing numbers around. And finally settled on a half marathon…
Because a 10k is 6.2 miles. Or something like that.
So, obviously a 20k is 13.1…
And Fall Risk. In her best gentle, non-“you’re a dumbass” voice said, “Or maybe a little less than that…”
6 + 6 does not equal 13.
The data that I was analyzing was qualitative.
I’m generally kind of good with words.
But honestly. I’m a grown ass woman. My friends shouldn’t have to send me morning pep talks telling me I’m good enough.
I should have figured that out by now, right?
Because rationally I do. Know that. I’m good enough.
But also I really, really don’t.
I don’t know where to sit in the lunch room. When they give us the free food.
Because the one stipulation for getting the free food is. You have to be social.
I love food.
I do not love social.
Tried sitting with a group I didn’t know last week. None of them spoke. At all. Until my boss came over and made them speak to me.
So yesterday I just sat with my boss. Like a toddler. Terrified to leave her mommy’s side.
And it’s possible that…*SIGH* it’s possible that the gym is the only place I feel competent right now.
Which is all kinds of crazy given how mean J-Vicious is.
But also. When he starts piling multiple weights onto my lap. During my wall sit. And I don’t just collapse under them.
I mean, that’s a certain level of competence.
Now I just have to go into work and hope that no one realizes that I have no fucking clue how to create a pivot chart. From word data. Until I can find the right tutorial.
But I am at least clear now. On the 6 + 6 thing.