Skipping the Panic Attack Stage

I have spent much of my weekend watching training. To help me feel a little more…competent. Going into my first actual full work week in almost two months.

So, I’ve got this access at work now. To send emails. On behalf of the COO.

Y’all just…sit with that for a moment.

I. Me. I can send emails. To the entirety of an international organization. On behalf. Of the COO…

Do y’all understand?

My Staunton River people understand.

They’ve seen my emails.

They know who I am in email.

I cannot be me. In emails. On behalf of the COO.

Y’all. Terror is real.

And bless my boss. She tried to calm me. With stories of all the ways she has screwed up those emails in the past. All of the oopsies she’s had. On behalf of the COO.


That did not calm me.

Because she has her shit together.

If she. A very impressive, professional shit together woman. Can oopsie in on behalf of emails. What could a decidedly unimpressive, usually barely even dressed, shit just all over the place woman do…

I just…

I cannot…

No, I am going to have an actual meltdown.

I’m going to skip straight on over the panic attack. And right into actual death.

At least with the data analysis. I may have been doing the things I have zero ability to do. But I could just fumble my way around behind the scenes, googling tutorials, until I created a semi-comprehensible product. (That matched the company data trends, btw. So…yay me for avoiding looking like a complete dumbass in my second week…)

But sending emails. To other countries. On behalf of the COO.

I cannot fumble my way around that.

And I still haven’t met him. My boss’s boss. The COO.

So, I’m not clear on his level of humor. How he responds to oopsies.

And the company intranet. That’s mine, too.

Not, like, all of it. Thank fuck. But a good portion of it.

I have full editing and ownership of international company intranet pages.

“Feel free to get creative and make it your own.”


I should not be solely responsible for entire websites.

I should not be making international company websites ‘my own.’

Sometimes I forget which words are even cuss words, y’all.

And I think I have to get a degree in excel now.

They have those, right?

And maybe a degree in how to say the things on behalf of COOs? Without the sarcasm? Or cussing? Or odd punctuation? Do they have those?

And…my dumbass was talking to my new work buddy. The poor individual they’ve assigned to me. To help me. Throughout my time with the company. And I mistakenly told her I had experience with Articulate 360. And Rise. And now I just know I’m gonna be given a project that requires me to develop training for the world. Because this company will absolutely utilize all of its resources.

And it’s possible I overstated my abilities. As per usual.

And I don’t know what the hell is happening with the economy. Are we in a recession? Are we avoiding a recession? Jobs are up. But is the technology field still doing ok? Are they going to be eliminating positions soon?

Because if so, I’m definitely going to be the obvious choice.

I just don’t think I can pay my entire mortgage on a retail salary. And I’ve probably aged out of most other questionable lucrative money-making options.

And Beautiful Beastie made me sign up for Cloudsplitter 50k. And Mountain Masochist 50 Miler. This fall. So I get to spend the rest of the summer inadequately training for those. Just to really reinforce those feelings. Of inadequacy.

But I think I at least get a couple of cool shirts out of them.

If I finish…


It’s fine, though.

Wednesday is massage and Happy Hour day at work.

That should…no, that should be fine. That should end totally fine. For me.

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