Proving My Existence

So, I work in this…I guess it’s called a green building? Or a smart building? A smart green building?

The lights are on motion detectors. The toilets and faucets and towel dispensers are also motion-activated.

It’s cool.

In theory.

Saving all those resources.

But there’s something about my existence that the sensors fail to acknowledge.

Like…they don’t believe I’m real…?

Which. I mean. I am pretty amazing.

If I were a dude I’d call myself a unicorn.

But I’m not a dude.

Or a douche bag.

So I don’t. I don’t call myself that.

(Seriously, guys. Just stop. Doing that.)

And it’s kind of cool. When I’m alone in my section of the office. Working in the dark. Because the lights don’t recognize my existence.

It was creepy at first. But I like it now.

But in the bathroom.


Why is Ryan Gosling watching me pee.

But also. Why does it take me breaking into a full on dance routine to get the soap dispenser. And faucet. And towel dispenser. To recognize me?

I swear I fight with these bitches every time I’m there.

Just begging them to please can I have some soap?

But today.

Today I’m in there. Bitching at the water faucet. About how I’m a real human woman. And she damn well better recognize me. Because I’m not gonna walk around with all this soap on my hands.

Because that fucking soap dispenser. Will not give me soap the first time I ask. Or the second. But by the third aggressive way, it’s all like, “Fine, bitch. Here’s allll the soap!”

And I don’t know if it was my tone…or my words…or that the faucet finally decided that she did, in fact, recognize my existence. And was fully displeased by it.

But that bitch opened up full flow. And would. not. shut. off.

I tried.

Waving. Wiping the sensor off with a paper towel. Once I finally got the towel dispenser to give one of those up. Tapping it. Repeatedly.

Begging. I tried begging. And apologizing.

Ran to Front Desk Chick and asked her if she knew the magic to shut off the faucet.

She looked confused.

Drug her into the bathroom. To show her. Which is absolutely not a phrase that will get you a meeting with HR.

She tried waving at it with me.


Finally. I just walked out. And announced to the office.

I have upset the faucet. It will now run continuously. Until it has dried up Carvins Cove.


…I’m going to…return to my work now…

Later. After maintenance guy fixed it. Head Office Lady came to assure me that it was not my fault.

That faucet was 30 years old.

Which…did we really have sensor faucets 30 years ago…? I feel like we didn’t even have dial up 30 years ago…

But cool.

I managed to undo a year’s worth of water saving sensor faucet benefits. In one day.

But it wasn’t actually my fault.


I’m gonna just work from home today. Where the faucets have handles. But are also probably 30 years old.

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