“Sounds confusing but it isn’t that bad.”

That was in the email Master Mountain Junkie sent Rogue and me about sweeping the Trail Nut Half Marathon on Saturday. We were splitting the half into two loops. I picked the first loop.

“Sounds confusing but it isn’t that bad.”

He then proceeded to send a series of text messages, with various confusing but not that bad instructions.

One of those instructions involved this picture.

And all I know is, between Rogue and I, I am the one more likely to actually notice that sign. Which…it really should concern everyone involved. Because I am not an observant person.

Seriously, y’all thank your volunteers and race directors. The complex levels of planning that go into these races boggle my certified project manager brain.

So Rogue and I arrive. On time. And Fields makes me perform a highly complex tactical maneuver perilously close to a long line of runners in order to park my vehicle. (He told me to back into a space.)

It was fine. My expert driving skills kicked in and I didn’t injure anyone.

At the starting line, I checked my text instructions for the 100th time. “Don’t do anything until you see Fields.” I mean, I just saw Fields. But ok…

Apparently Fields is just everywhere.

So I spent the first three miles occasionally panicking because I hadn’t picked up any flagging or markers. Then my brain would remind me, “Don’t do anything until you see Fields.”

Right. Got it. I’m good.

I should point out that I’ve had a headache of unknown origin since Friday morning. So when I saw Future Book Club President (because we both agreed during the Forever Five Miler that running is bullshit and we need to just start a book club instead) and screamed at him “High knees! High knees! Let’s go let’s go let’s go!!!” I immediately regretted it. I would later learn that he did, too. We’re trail runners. We weren’t made for that kind of running.

But I finally saw Fields. And my feelings weren’t the least bit hurt when he called me a pansy ass for not sweeping the entire half.

But really. Y’all don’t want the entirety of a race dependent on either Rogue or me. You really want us splitting the odds on those responsibilities. And even then, you should probably have a back up plan.

Ok. So I saw Fields. Now what.

Read my text instructions. Ok, now I start pulling up flagging until I see Goatfinder and Skratch.

Got to the top of the unnecessary hill leading to the bike course to start picking up flagging and Lynchburg Runner says, “Pleas don’t impale yourself with the flags. I’ve read enough of your blogs to know that is a real possibility.”

No, that’s fair. So I had to keep that messaging in my brain. Don’t impale self. Don’t impale self.

But also, keep up with half marathoners.

But don’t impale self.

Dammit, this is a lot of brain work.

But then I saw Pro Photographer and my brain kicked in to “Try not to look like an idiot in the race photo,” which is a pretty tall order for me. Just hoping he remembered his assignment to make me look amazing. I’m certain he has access to photoshop tools. He should probably use those more. For me. Specifically.

I eventually saw Goatfinder and Skratch.

I also saw a line of Caution Tape sitting a little bit off course. And I yelled up to them, “Do we come back through here or should I go ahead and take this tape down?”

Which was probably not the correct phrasing.

But we agreed that I should take the tape down. Since the race doesn’t come back through there.

But even as I was doing this, my brain was telling me, “Ummm, dude. You see that giant hole on the other side of this tape? And the word ‘CUIDADO’ on the actual tape? I don’t think Mountain Junkies have the word Cuidado on their Caution tape. They didn’t put this here. It’s not even ON the actual course. Yeah, this is wrong. We should leave this here. It’s what’s keeping people from falling into that hole and dying.”

But even with all of that very logical thought my brain was creating, I was unable to stop myself from tearing the Cuidado tape down.

And this should tell you all you need to know about me.

(It’s fine. I told Master Mountain Junkie and he promised to go put it back up. I mean, it’s just going to be in English. So all my non-English speaking Latine people probably still at risk. But, as humans we should really know what yellow tape means at this point even without the words.)

Anyway. Pulled up to Goatfinder and Skratch and dumped the flagging that I’d successfully avoided impaling myself with thus far. And verified my next text instructions. Which Skratch immediately contradicted. And I started to show him my text instructions. But he’s Skratch. He knows shit. So, I complied. Screw Master Mountain Junkies text messages. Skratch is the captain now.

So, my new brain thought was “Don’t do anything until you see Mastress Mountain Junkie.”

Got it.

Except I’d spent all that time with the Cuidado tape and learning new instructions that the half marathoners were long gone. And I had to catch up to them.

So what was a very pleasant jog through the woods turned into a death-defying sprint across roots and rocks and limbs and creeks. Fell twice. Because I would be the one to injure herself while sweeping.

I didn’t though. Just pissed my headache off more. But the rest of me is fine.

Eventually caught up to my half marathoners. And then saw Mastress Mountain Junkie. Who told me to re-commence picking up flagging.

She did not give me the self-impalement warning. Apparently, she hasn’t read my blog and doesn’t know that is a real possibility.

But it was fine. I mean, I never saw my half marathoners again after that point. But I also didn’t see anyone wandering aimlessly through the woods. So, I feel pretty confident that I didn’t lose anyone.

Made it to the finish line to hand off sweep duties to Rogue. Who had already started. And I settled in with a book and more ibuprofen. Just trying to maintain some semblance of socially acceptable behavior. Until she finished. While also hoping that she had managed to get all of her socialing out of her system during the two hours she was waiting for me to finish my loop.

Luckily, there weren’t many people left for her to social with by the time she followed the last runners in.

I will say that life is much more enjoyable when you’re running trails at a reasonable pace. So I will probably just sweep every race from now on. Whether they ask me to or not. I’m clearly quite good at it.

Now, if you’ll excuse me. I need to go google what an aneurysm feels like.