Spartan Preparation Tips

I’m not best at preparation.

I’m more of a “just give me a general time and location and let’s see what happens” kinda chick.

I think it’s why Rogue and I mesh so well on the adventure front.

And possibly why our adventures are often labeled shit shows…

Spartan Super is tomorrow.

Black Mountain.

Not Bear Mountain.

I know that now. Because J-Vicious can be OBNOXIOUS during workouts when you use wrong words.

Black Mountain.

Black Mountain.

Got it.

Anyway. Spartan Super is tomorrow.

And the Spartan social media groups are all aflutter about preparation. What kind of hydration pack are you going to carry? How much fuel? Which gel packs are best? How are you fueling today? What shoes give the best grip?

And I’m not judging them. Preparation is great.

It’s important.

But they’re preparing the wrong things.

There are exactly four things you need to focus your Spartan preparation on.

First. How will you wear your headband?

No, I’m serious.

There is more than one way to wear one and your choice can have lasting consequences. Ears in. Ears out. Forehead high. Forehead low. Your choice is going to depend on several factors. Do you have big ears? A big forehead? How are you going to wear your hair? Do you want to be able to access the free photographs after the race?

I’m just sayin, try out the variations and decide what works best beforehand.

(Also, those headbands are made from elasticized vice grips. Once you put it on your head, it ain’t goin nowheres.)

Second. How will you pose for your fire jump?

This will, by far, be your biggest challenge at Spartan Race. This photo will very likely be your profile pic for at least the next month. And you’re gonna want to throw back to it every year or so if you’re not engaging in many adventures. So you can remind people that you used to be badass.

You could just come off the last obstacle and run straight over the fire without setting up a pose. Maybe you don’t care. Maybe you’re just that cool.

Orrrr you can take a minute after coming off the last obstacle and gather your thoughts. Consult with your team. And check your surroundings. You don’t want wild-eyed shirtless Joe in your new profile pic.

But also don’t be a dick about things. There are other folks trying to finish. Don’t loiter.

So make a fire pic pose plan beforehand. This will save you some time.

Third. Where will you change your clothes?

Remember when Rogue and I ran the literal shit show at the Charlotte Spartan Sprint? She wouldn’t let me change at the car. Instead, she made me trudge a mile back through two feet of shit mud to the changing tent. Where we stood in five inches of shit water while changing. And then trudged the mile back through two feet of shit mud to the car.

That was pointless.

So, we’ll be changing at the car…

I have zero cares about who might see this occur. Trust me. You will NOT see anything that you’ll want to remember. So just avert your eyes.

I’m a damn Spartan.

Fourth Where will you eat after the race?

This is key.

I’m not even playing.

This is the one time that I will pull out maps and chart courses and consult timetables.

Figure this shit out beforehand. Because after a four hour drive to Asheville, a 30 minute wait to get into the parking lot, and 8 miles of obstacle mountain running, ya girl is gonna be angry hungry. (And Rogue has the plague, so she’s not carrying extra snacks. And I don’t know if that’s gonna mean she’s gonna be homicidal hungry or completely uninterested in food after the race, and I just can’t risk asking her to find us food if it’s the homicidal one.) Folks is not gonna have any level of patience for trying to find a spot that allows cell service so you can look up what restaurants are nearby. Look that shit up before you leave civilization and everyone agree on where it will be.

And how to get there.

That’s it.

That’s all you need.

All of that other stuff? That’s for comfort and performance.

This stuff here? This is about survival and future consequences.

You’re all welcome.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve gotta go chart our post-race food course.