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My Modesty Needs Work

“Who does your nails?”

Ummmm, me?

“Oh. So you can still reach your toes! Good for you.”

Fuck. How old does this dude think I am?

I was just starting to feel ok about myself again.


So, I’ve figured out that I’m probably never going to leave any visit with a medical professional feeling good about myself.

I’ve been dealing with near constant pain in my knee, ankles, Achilles, and left arch simultaneously for several weeks now.

So, I decided to try a new chiropractor.

Ok. So, never have I ever, when visiting a chiropractor, been asked to disrobe first.

“Any chance you’re wearing shorts under those jeans?”

Dude, I’m not even wearing underwear under these jeans.

So, I’m standing there in my little examination gown. Holding the back together. Like he’s told me to. So my ass doesn’t hang out the back.

But then he wants to talk about just how badly I’m fucking up my body.

And I like to talk with my hands.

I’m not sure why. They don’t actually contribute to the conversation. But I like to move them around a lot anyway.

And so doc keeps handing the gown back to me. In an effort to force modesty me, I assume.

But also keeps asking questions.

I think he eventually just gave up on helping me maintain anything resembling ladyness.

So by the time I was on the table, that gown was just hanging wherever.

And I was just chatting away. Like it’s normal to have a conversation with a stranger. With your ass hanging out.

I’m sure at that point he was wondering why he’d even bothered to give me the pre-exam lecture about making sure to say something if I experienced any fear or discomfort or general worry about anything he might say or do. And was probably wishing he’d spent that time explaining boundaries and appropriate patient behavior instead.

At any rate, his final diagnosis was something akin to this:

(Gesturing to my entire body) “Well, you’ve fucked all of this ALL up. And you’re a runner. So, I assume you’re gonna just continue to fuck it up more. Even if I tell you it will kill you tomorrow. So how about I just do what I can to help you not collapse in a useless heap of idiocy on a trail in the next few years.

Also, you have excellent lungs.

And your heart doesn’t beat a whole lot.

Then he pulled on some things. And push on some other things. And twisted some stuff around.

The twisting was probably when he got the really just excellent shot of my vagina.

I feel like we’re pretty bonded now.

So he’s gonna have to be my chiro forever.

Plus he helped.

I was able to run today’s Explore Your Limits 10k pretty much pain free.

Which was probably more unsettling than it should have been.

Because the pain is how I’ve learned to estimate my level of effort.

And so I guess that’s why I was ok when I rolled my ankle. In the last half of the race. Because I couldn’t see the rocks I was trying to maneuver. Because I was warm. And decided to pull my buff down off of my head. And didn’t gauge the amount of fabric correctly. And ended up blindfolding myself. And actually had to take a few seconds to process that I had actually just blindfolded myself. Before unblindfolding myself. But also, I didn’t think to just stop running. Until I regained my vision.


On the bright side, Goatfinder ensured I had my mid-race snack.

(Photo: the phenomenal Jay Proffitt)

I’m basically a toddler on trail runs.

On the really steep downside…fuck…so…bless it. Ok. So J-Vicious beat me. By, like, a full 4 1/2 minutes.


I can’t ever go back to PlayFITStayFIT.

I can, however, go back to the chiro. Because we’re bonded for life now.



Just reading and writing and running and looking for my happy place.


  1. martywinn says:

    Funny post. Maybe funniest. Sad about Dr. Rich but probably for his best.

    1. Are we sad for Dr. Rich because he’s now too far away to be exposed to my awkward regularly since I no longer work in Roanoke?

  2. martywinn says:

    Sad that he lost a customer. Glad to hear that you apparently did not actively choose someone else but were forced into changing chiropractors. But, as I said, if this is what it means to be your doctor, this is probably for his best and his wife and his kids.

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