Late to the DeFo Special Party

I just fell. In the bathroom.

I went to go pee.

And as I sat down. I wasn’t aimed quite right. At the toilet. Because I hadn’t finished my coffee yet. So, I couldn’t really process information.

So, I ended up kind of wedged. In between the toilet and the sink.

It’s fine. Because it was on my right side. That I was wedged.

I don’t have any injuries on that side.


But it feels fairly symbolic. Of this weekend.

You heard it, right?

The entire fucking country cry out Friday night?

Didn’t we all get that damn alert pop up on our fucking iPhones at the same time?

I have group chats just filled with the word “fuck.”

Because what else do you say.

So, I just went to bed. Early. Friday night.

While my Discussions of Anger and Sadness group plotted out their roles in the new Gilead. As I slept.

They’ve got a pretty solid plan for survival.

That doesn’t include me.

Those bitches are absolutely gonna allow me to try to survive Handmaid’s Tale on my own.

Knowing full well that my plan is to offer sexual favors in exchange for passage to Canada. And that my dumbass will inevitably offer it to the wrong man, and end up executed.

Because I always offer it to the wrong man.

Maybe I’ll just run my way to Canada instead.

Which may have seemed plausible. At 5:00am. As I was reading through their plan.

But then I got lost on my way to meet the group to run the DeFo Special.

And that’s a pretty good indicator that I’d end up in the Gilead capital. Instead of Canada. If I tried to make it on my own.

They were probably halfway up the mountain by the time I got there.

Normally this kind of situation would cause me to get pouty. And just turn around and go home.

But it was actually exactly what I needed.

Some time alone on the mountain. To process.

It was cold.

Fall cold.

And the mountain was so peaceful.

And there is something absolutely comforting about being alone on a mountain on a crisp fall morning with the sun just coming up.

But also knowing that you’re not actually alone.

Knowing that if the bear you passed is also devastated and pissed off at the passing of RBG and decides to say fuck it and just shred the next human she sees, that at least your friends will eventually find your body.

(There wasn’t any cell service in the area where the bear was. So, I’m pretty sure she didn’t get the Apple alert.)

But then a few miles in, and my knee started that clicking shit again.

I now have three different diagnoses for that, by the way.

I’m pretty sure it all starts in my misaligned hips, though.

Tommy told me about some exercises I can do to correct that.

But also said I need a “dedicated partner” for them.

Rogue said to tell him to stop using words like “dedicated partner.” They’re offensive. In today’s dating climate.

So, I’d decided that I’d probably only go about five miles up. And then turn around.

The last thing I wanted to do was get all the way to the top. And then have to figure out how to make my knee and hips take me down 10 miles of steep descent. Alone.

But then I ran into GJB. Who was heading back down.

And he said he’d turned around at about 5.3 miles in.

So, obviously I had to go at least six.

As we were discussing this, a pack of coyotes started making noise back down the trail.

Towards where I’d heard the bear.

And part of me wanted to offer to head back down with him. There’s maybe safety in numbers or something?

But also I needed to get in more miles than him. So…

Ok, GJB. You be safe.

And I continued on. Enjoying the absolute peace of it all.

And just as my Strava hit mile six. My knee gave one really solid click. And threatened to just drop me right there.

Well this is gonna be a fun descent.

And since I had cell service, I started chatting with my Discussions of Anger and Sadness group. As a distraction from the pain.

Fall Risk mentioned pancakes.

So, obviously I wanted those.

“What mountain are you on? We can go get some when you’re done.”


I have no fucking idea…

I don’t think I’ve been given that information.

I probably…

I should probably start knowing the names of places before I go to them?

So I can tell my mom, at least.

I’m still on punishment for going to Iron Mountain without telling her a few weeks ago. Like, legit punishment. I got a full on lecture for that one.

But also, I’d never make it back in time for pancakes.

Because I’m pretty sure I was descending whatever mountain that was at a slower pace than I climbed it. Half of it.

Mostly because I didn’t want my entire left half to just crumple underneath me. Forcing me to lie there until the group finally came back down.

Because it was so freaking cold.

So I stopped at this clearing.

And did some yoga.

To loosen things up.

Which is about the time three mountain men were making their way up.

As I’m really going all in on a forward fold.

And blocking out all of the world.

So, I didn’t hear them coming.


“How’s your run?”

Fuck’s sake. How the fuck did three grown ass men creep that quietly through the woods?

Hey! Hi. Good. It’s good. Just enjoying the…peace. And giving my friends time to catch up. Before I head back down. (That’s good. Mention friends. So they don’t think you’re all alone out here. Which…you are…)

“We saw you on your way up earlier. Impressive.”

You…saw me. From…where? Where… (Fuck. Stop looking so confused. And vulnerable. Pretend like you know what the fuck is going on. Swell up. Puff your chest out. Look bigger. Wait. No. Not like that. Just…hold your arms out. Like you can’t put them all the way down. Because muscles.)

“We were camped out near the bottom. You got an early start.”

(You’re useless. Fuck it. Just get out of there.) Yeah. Ok… so, I’m gonna go on now. Y’all have a peaceful hike.

No, it’s fine. That I apparently passed an entire campground. And didn’t see it.

And managed to let three grown men sneak up on me. And didn’t hear them.

And passed the raucous bear. And couldn’t locate it.

My point here is that I’m not gonna survive Gilead.

So, if y’all care about me at all. Vote. Just fucking vote. And vote right.

(And I just heard from GJB. He’s fine.)

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